Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety
lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of
this airplane..."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to
switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please
stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk
on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone
voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight
attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the
overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell
everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to
YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to
operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event
of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling.
Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small
child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you
are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll
try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves
you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of
the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on
this flight...!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City:
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I
know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's
fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants'
fault.....it was the asphalt!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you
to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and
the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll
open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you
folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go
blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of
us here at US Airways."
Showing posts with label Tech. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Tech. Show all posts
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Remember when........
A computer was something on TV from
a science fiction show of note
a window was something you hated to clean
and ram was the cousin of a goat
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
and gig was a job for the nights
now they all mean different things
and that really mega bytes
An application was for employment
a program was a TV show
a cursor used profanity
a keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age
a CD was a bank account
and if you had a 3 1/2" floppy
you hoped nobody found out
Compress was something you did to the garbage
not something you did to a file
and if you unzipped anything in public
you'd be in jail for a while
Log on was adding wood to the fire
hard drive was a long trip on the road
a mouse pad was where a mouse lived
and a backup happened to your commode
Cut you did with a pocket knife
paste you did with glue
a web was a spider's home
and a virus was the flu
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
and the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
but when it happens they wish they were dead.
a science fiction show of note
a window was something you hated to clean
and ram was the cousin of a goat
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
and gig was a job for the nights
now they all mean different things
and that really mega bytes
An application was for employment
a program was a TV show
a cursor used profanity
a keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age
a CD was a bank account
and if you had a 3 1/2" floppy
you hoped nobody found out
Compress was something you did to the garbage
not something you did to a file
and if you unzipped anything in public
you'd be in jail for a while
Log on was adding wood to the fire
hard drive was a long trip on the road
a mouse pad was where a mouse lived
and a backup happened to your commode
Cut you did with a pocket knife
paste you did with glue
a web was a spider's home
and a virus was the flu
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
and the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
but when it happens they wish they were dead.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Good luck, Mr. Gorsky
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only said his famous "One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks - usual communication traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut; however, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian nor American space programs. Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant.
On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. He finally responded.
It seems that Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question: "When I was a kid, I was playing baseball with my brother in the backyard. He had hit a fly ball which landed in front of my neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As I leaned down to pick up the ball, I heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut; however, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian nor American space programs. Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant.
On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. He finally responded.
It seems that Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question: "When I was a kid, I was playing baseball with my brother in the backyard. He had hit a fly ball which landed in front of my neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As I leaned down to pick up the ball, I heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
If other companies made toasters...
If IBM made toasters ...
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Microsoft made toasters ...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters ...
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.
If Xerox made toasters ...
You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters ...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If Oracle made toasters ...
They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
If Sun made toasters ...
The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters ...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
If The Rand Corporation made toasters ...
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.
If Sony made toasters ...
The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.
If Fisher Price made toasters ...
"Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.
If the Franklin Mint made toasters ...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.
IT Acronyms
PCMCIA- People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN- It Still Does Nothing
APPLE- Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI- System Can't See It
BASIC- Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM- I Blame Microsoft
CD-ROM- Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2- Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW- World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH- Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM- Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
COBOL- Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
WINDOWS- Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
MICROSOFT- Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers.
ISDN- It Still Does Nothing
APPLE- Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI- System Can't See It
BASIC- Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM- I Blame Microsoft
CD-ROM- Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2- Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW- World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH- Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM- Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
COBOL- Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
WINDOWS- Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
MICROSOFT- Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Why is E-Mail like Penis?
- Those who have it would be devastated if it were cut off.
- Those who have it somehow believe those who don't are inferior.
- Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat but doubt it's worth all the fuss that those who have it make about it.
- Many of those who don't have it would like to try it; phenomenon psychologists call E-Male Envy.
- It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to getany work done.
- In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmitinformation vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
- If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
- We attach an importance to it far greater than its size and influence warrant.
- If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
- Those who have it somehow believe those who don't are inferior.
- Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat but doubt it's worth all the fuss that those who have it make about it.
- Many of those who don't have it would like to try it; phenomenon psychologists call E-Male Envy.
- It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to getany work done.
- In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmitinformation vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
- If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
- We attach an importance to it far greater than its size and influence warrant.
- If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
If life was as easy as Computers
If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start all over again
To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend".
Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
When you lose your car keys, click on "find".
"Help" with the chores is just a click away.
You'd use your diskette to recover from a crash.
We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately.
To feel like a new person, click on "refresh".
Click on "close" to shut up the kids and spouse.
To undo a mistake, click on "back".
Is your wardrobe getting old? Click "update".
If you don't like cleaning the litter box, click on "delete".
To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend".
Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
When you lose your car keys, click on "find".
"Help" with the chores is just a click away.
You'd use your diskette to recover from a crash.
We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately.
To feel like a new person, click on "refresh".
Click on "close" to shut up the kids and spouse.
To undo a mistake, click on "back".
Is your wardrobe getting old? Click "update".
If you don't like cleaning the litter box, click on "delete".
You might be an Engineer if...
·The only jokes you receive are through e-mail.
·At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string of Christmas lights.
·Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.
·Everyone else on the Alaskan Cruise is on deck peering at
the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.
·In college, you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
·The Salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
·You are always late to meetings.
·You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
·You are next in line on death row in a French Prison and you find that the guillotine is not working properly, so you offer to fix it.
·You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday.
·You forget to get a haircut... for six months!
·You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
·You can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting
·You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.
·You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
·You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects.
·You have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
·You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
·You have more friends on the internet than in real life.
·You have never backed up your hard drive.
·You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married.
·You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
·You know what http:// stands for.
·You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.
·You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
·You see a good design and still have to change it.
·You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
·You still own a slide rule and you know how to use it.
·You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory.
·You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.
·You wear black socks with tennis shoes (or vice versa).
·You window shop at Radio Shack.
·You're in the backseat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and your trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.
·Your checkbook always balances.
·Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
·Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
·Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300 MHz Pentium.
·You've already calculated how much you make per second.
·You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.
·Your four basic food groups are:
1. Caffeine;
2. Fat;
3. Sugar;
4. Chocolate.
·At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string of Christmas lights.
·Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.
·Everyone else on the Alaskan Cruise is on deck peering at
the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.
·In college, you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
·The Salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
·You are always late to meetings.
·You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
·You are next in line on death row in a French Prison and you find that the guillotine is not working properly, so you offer to fix it.
·You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday.
·You forget to get a haircut... for six months!
·You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
·You can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting
·You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.
·You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
·You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects.
·You have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
·You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
·You have more friends on the internet than in real life.
·You have never backed up your hard drive.
·You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married.
·You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
·You know what http:// stands for.
·You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.
·You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
·You see a good design and still have to change it.
·You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
·You still own a slide rule and you know how to use it.
·You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory.
·You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.
·You wear black socks with tennis shoes (or vice versa).
·You window shop at Radio Shack.
·You're in the backseat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and your trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.
·Your checkbook always balances.
·Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
·Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
·Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300 MHz Pentium.
·You've already calculated how much you make per second.
·You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.
·Your four basic food groups are:
1. Caffeine;
2. Fat;
3. Sugar;
4. Chocolate.
Engineer's Therminologies
1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED:
We are still guessing.
2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH
TO THE PROBLEM:
We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION:
We know who to blame.
4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH:
It works okay, but looks very hi-tech.
5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED:
We are so far behind schedule, the customer is happy
to get it delivered.
6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE:
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING:
We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED:
The only person who understood the thing quit.
9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS:
It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is
about hopeless.
10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT:
Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL:
Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING:
We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it
doesn't interfere with what we've already done.
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION:
I can't wait to hear this bull!
14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS:
Come into my office, I'm lonely.
15. ALL NEW:
Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
16. RUGGED:
Too darn heavy to lift!
17. LIGHTWEIGHT:
Lighter than RUGGED.
18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT:
One finally worked.
19. ENERGY SAVING:
Achieved when the power switch is off.
20. LOW MAINTENANCE:
Impossible to fix if broken.
We are still guessing.
2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH
TO THE PROBLEM:
We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION:
We know who to blame.
4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH:
It works okay, but looks very hi-tech.
5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED:
We are so far behind schedule, the customer is happy
to get it delivered.
6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE:
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING:
We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED:
The only person who understood the thing quit.
9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS:
It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is
about hopeless.
10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT:
Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL:
Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING:
We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it
doesn't interfere with what we've already done.
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION:
I can't wait to hear this bull!
14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS:
Come into my office, I'm lonely.
15. ALL NEW:
Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
16. RUGGED:
Too darn heavy to lift!
17. LIGHTWEIGHT:
Lighter than RUGGED.
18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT:
One finally worked.
19. ENERGY SAVING:
Achieved when the power switch is off.
20. LOW MAINTENANCE:
Impossible to fix if broken.
Windows - New York Edition
Dear Consumas:
It has come ta our attention dat a coupola copies of the
WINDOWS 2000/BROOKLYN EDITION may have accidentally bin
shipped outsida Broooklyn. If ya got one a dese, you may need
some help understandin' da commands. Da Brooklyn edition may
be recognized by da unique openin' screen. It reads:
"WINDAS 98," wit a background picture of Grand Army Plaza.
When you start da program, instead of da usual "harpy, stringy"
music, you hear da teme from da Godfadda. It is also shipped
wit a Sopranos screen sava.
Please also note:
* Recycle Bin is labeled "Staten Island."
* My Computer is called "My Friggin' Computa."
* The Inbox is referred to as "Da Trunk."
* Deleted Items are referred to as "Wacked," "Erased," or
"Rubbed Out"
* Dial up Networking is called "Da Bar."
* Control Panel is known as the "Da Bosses."
* Performin' an "illegal operation" is known as "enhancin'
the family business" and will actually maximize da program
instead of shuttin' it down.
* Hard Drive is referred to as "Da BQE Rush Hour."
* Instead of an error message a "You ain't gonna friggin'
believe dis!" pops up.
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN DA BROOKLYN EDITION:
OK...................Sure ting
Cancel...........Fugetaboutit
Reset.............Start Ova
Yes................Yeah
No...................Nah
Find................Put a contract out on
Browse..........Get a looksee
Back...............U toin
Help................(Help ain't available - yous don't need
no stinkin' help)
Stop.................Knock it off
Start.................Move it!
Settings..........Here's d' Rules
Also note dat any voice recognition software run on da
BROOKLYN EDITION platform don't recognize da letter "R."
Some programs and udder accessories dat are exclusive to
WINDAS 2000:
Typa................A word processin' program
Printa...............Printer
Calculata..........Calculator
Solitare.............Seven Card Stud
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received
a copy of da BROOKLYN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft
for a replacement version.
You got a problem wit dat?
It has come ta our attention dat a coupola copies of the
WINDOWS 2000/BROOKLYN EDITION may have accidentally bin
shipped outsida Broooklyn. If ya got one a dese, you may need
some help understandin' da commands. Da Brooklyn edition may
be recognized by da unique openin' screen. It reads:
"WINDAS 98," wit a background picture of Grand Army Plaza.
When you start da program, instead of da usual "harpy, stringy"
music, you hear da teme from da Godfadda. It is also shipped
wit a Sopranos screen sava.
Please also note:
* Recycle Bin is labeled "Staten Island."
* My Computer is called "My Friggin' Computa."
* The Inbox is referred to as "Da Trunk."
* Deleted Items are referred to as "Wacked," "Erased," or
"Rubbed Out"
* Dial up Networking is called "Da Bar."
* Control Panel is known as the "Da Bosses."
* Performin' an "illegal operation" is known as "enhancin'
the family business" and will actually maximize da program
instead of shuttin' it down.
* Hard Drive is referred to as "Da BQE Rush Hour."
* Instead of an error message a "You ain't gonna friggin'
believe dis!" pops up.
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN DA BROOKLYN EDITION:
OK...................Sure ting
Cancel...........Fugetaboutit
Reset.............Start Ova
Yes................Yeah
No...................Nah
Find................Put a contract out on
Browse..........Get a looksee
Back...............U toin
Help................(Help ain't available - yous don't need
no stinkin' help)
Stop.................Knock it off
Start.................Move it!
Settings..........Here's d' Rules
Also note dat any voice recognition software run on da
BROOKLYN EDITION platform don't recognize da letter "R."
Some programs and udder accessories dat are exclusive to
WINDAS 2000:
Typa................A word processin' program
Printa...............Printer
Calculata..........Calculator
Solitare.............Seven Card Stud
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received
a copy of da BROOKLYN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft
for a replacement version.
You got a problem wit dat?
Things you dont wanna hear on airplanes
1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking,
I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your
seat cushions can be used as flotation devices.
2. Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography
trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your
flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.
3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective
of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of
our airline's new commitment to make your a flight a sight
seeing extravaganza.
4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!!
Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!
5. Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)
6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh
....we have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot
something.....
7. I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however
the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying
much more efficiently now.
8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the
suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car).
9. This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a
lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have
to give me some leeway...
10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their
shades and watched the in-flight movie.
11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet
and ... Oh noooooooo!!!!!..
12. Don't worry! That one is always on E...
13. Get the parachutes ready...
14. Drinks are on me...
15. I'll have what the Captain's having...
16. Hey capt'n take another hit man...
I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your
seat cushions can be used as flotation devices.
2. Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography
trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your
flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.
3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective
of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of
our airline's new commitment to make your a flight a sight
seeing extravaganza.
4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!!
Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!
5. Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)
6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh
....we have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot
something.....
7. I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however
the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying
much more efficiently now.
8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the
suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car).
9. This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a
lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have
to give me some leeway...
10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their
shades and watched the in-flight movie.
11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet
and ... Oh noooooooo!!!!!..
12. Don't worry! That one is always on E...
13. Get the parachutes ready...
14. Drinks are on me...
15. I'll have what the Captain's having...
16. Hey capt'n take another hit man...
GM vs Microsoft
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly
compared the computer industry with the auto industry and
stated: ''If GM had kept up with technology like the computer
industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five
dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.''
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press
release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all
be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would
have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no
reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would
cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which
case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you
bought ''Car95'' or ''CarNT.'' But then you would have to
buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun,
reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive,
but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights
would be replaced by a single ''general car default''
warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say ''Are you sure?'' before
deploying.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock
you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously
lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of
the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe
set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even
though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to
delete this option would immediately cause the car's
performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would
become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have
to learn how to drive all over again because none of the
controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the ''start'' button to shut off the engine.
compared the computer industry with the auto industry and
stated: ''If GM had kept up with technology like the computer
industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five
dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.''
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press
release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all
be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would
have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no
reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would
cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which
case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you
bought ''Car95'' or ''CarNT.'' But then you would have to
buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun,
reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive,
but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights
would be replaced by a single ''general car default''
warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say ''Are you sure?'' before
deploying.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock
you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously
lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of
the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe
set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even
though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to
delete this option would immediately cause the car's
performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would
become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have
to learn how to drive all over again because none of the
controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the ''start'' button to shut off the engine.
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