The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. –George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea … Visit people only once a year. –Victor Borge
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce. –Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. –Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. –Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. –Jimmy Durante
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. –Jilly Cooper
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. — Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. –Alex Levine
Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. –Mark Twain
Money can’t buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. –Spike Milligan
What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money. –Henny Youngman
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was ‘shut up.’ –Joe Namath
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. –Herbert Henry Asquith
I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. –Bob Hope
A woman drove me to drink … and I hadn’t even the courtesy to thank her. –W.C. Fields
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth. –George Burns
The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good … spit it out. –Unknown
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. –Billy Crystal
