A salesman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when he sees a Navajo man hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Navajo man climbs in.
During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.
"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the salesman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."
The Navajo man is silent for awhile, nods several times and says, "Good trade."
Showing posts with label Race. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Race. Show all posts
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Two Zebras Pondering
Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?"
The other replies, "Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask him."
So that night he did and God replied, "You are what you are."
The next day he said to the other zebra,
"I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are what you are."
The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."
The other replies, "Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask him."
So that night he did and God replied, "You are what you are."
The next day he said to the other zebra,
"I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are what you are."
The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."
The Ten Commandments
God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.
The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shall not kill."
"Not kill?
We're not interested."
So He went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
"Honor thy Father and Mother."
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are."
We're not interested.
Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said
"Thou shall not steal."
"Not steal?
We're not interested."
Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said,
"Thou shall not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery?
We're not interested."
Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" They said,
"How much are they?"
"They're free."
"Free? We'll take 10."
The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shall not kill."
"Not kill?
We're not interested."
So He went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
"Honor thy Father and Mother."
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are."
We're not interested.
Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said
"Thou shall not steal."
"Not steal?
We're not interested."
Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said,
"Thou shall not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery?
We're not interested."
Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" They said,
"How much are they?"
"They're free."
"Free? We'll take 10."
NASA And The Navajo
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, it did some astronaut training near a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. What are these guys in the big suits doing?
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. They then took the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the message said,
Watch out for these guys. They have come to steal your land.
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. They then took the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the message said,
Watch out for these guys. They have come to steal your land.
Fluctuations
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went
to the currency exchange window at the local bank
Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying
to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated.
He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla
fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations" .
The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"
to the currency exchange window at the local bank
Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying
to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated.
He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla
fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations" .
The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"
New Indian Student
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of b lank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good!'
Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'Screw the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'
The teacher fainted.
And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was the American people, November 4th, 2008".
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of b lank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good!'
Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'Screw the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'
The teacher fainted.
And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was the American people, November 4th, 2008".
Proof Jesus was....
...Jewish:
1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.
...Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job.
3. His last request was a drink.
...Puerto Rican:
1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was always in trouble with the law.
3. His mother did not know who his father was.
...Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.
...Black:
1. He called everybody brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
...Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But the most compelling evidence of all - proof that Jesus was a WOMAN:
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2 . He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do.
1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.
...Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job.
3. His last request was a drink.
...Puerto Rican:
1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was always in trouble with the law.
3. His mother did not know who his father was.
...Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.
...Black:
1. He called everybody brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
...Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But the most compelling evidence of all - proof that Jesus was a WOMAN:
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2 . He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
African Roulette
The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador.
For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."
This fazed the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers. CLICK-CLICK Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette". So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women.
The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a blowjob - take your pick."
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered: "One of them is a cannibal."
For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."
This fazed the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers. CLICK-CLICK Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette". So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women.
The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a blowjob - take your pick."
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered: "One of them is a cannibal."
British or Americans
A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.
(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.
(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans
(E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills
you.
(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.
(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.
(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans
(E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills
you.
Book of Elephants
Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:
The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant.
The English book - Elephants I have shot on Safari.
The Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.
The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants.
The Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants.
The Greek book - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money.
The Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People.
The German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.
The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant.
The Swiss book - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants.
The Canadian book - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
The Swedish book - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.
The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant.
The English book - Elephants I have shot on Safari.
The Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.
The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants.
The Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants.
The Greek book - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money.
The Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People.
The German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.
The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant.
The Swiss book - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants.
The Canadian book - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
The Swedish book - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.
The American and the Frenchman
An American, wearing Bermuda shorts, T-shirt, and a baseball cap, walks into a
café, chewing on gum. He sits next to this French guy who is trying to enjoy his
breakfast and is not in the mood for small talk.
The American, aware of the Frenchman's mood, tries to be smart. He sees the
man eating a roll with jelly and decides to remark on that.
"You French people eat the entire roll of bread?!" he says in an astonished tone.
"Yes," replies the Frenchman and resumes eating.
"Not us," says the American. "We only eat the inside and then throw the crust
in a container, process it and sell it to the French as croissants."
The Frenchman calmly ignores him and continues to eat.
"Eww..." says the American, "You eat your bread with that jelly?"
"Yes," says the Frenchman.
"Not us," says the American, "We only eat fresh fruits. Then we throw the peal
in a container, process it and sell it to the French as jelly."
"Really?" says the Frenchman, "And what do you do with your used condoms?"
Taken aback, the American says, "Uhh... we just throw them away."
"Not us," said the Frenchman, "We throw them in a container, process them, and
sell it as gum to the Americans."
café, chewing on gum. He sits next to this French guy who is trying to enjoy his
breakfast and is not in the mood for small talk.
The American, aware of the Frenchman's mood, tries to be smart. He sees the
man eating a roll with jelly and decides to remark on that.
"You French people eat the entire roll of bread?!" he says in an astonished tone.
"Yes," replies the Frenchman and resumes eating.
"Not us," says the American. "We only eat the inside and then throw the crust
in a container, process it and sell it to the French as croissants."
The Frenchman calmly ignores him and continues to eat.
"Eww..." says the American, "You eat your bread with that jelly?"
"Yes," says the Frenchman.
"Not us," says the American, "We only eat fresh fruits. Then we throw the peal
in a container, process it and sell it to the French as jelly."
"Really?" says the Frenchman, "And what do you do with your used condoms?"
Taken aback, the American says, "Uhh... we just throw them away."
"Not us," said the Frenchman, "We throw them in a container, process them, and
sell it as gum to the Americans."
Friday, September 5, 2008
International Travellers Bloopers
1. On a French passenger jet: Live West Under Your Seat.
2. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
3. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
4. In an Athens hotel: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.
5. In a Yugoslav hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
6. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
7. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel, across from a Russian monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
8. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension (???).
9. In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today: no ice cream.
10. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
11. Alongside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
12. Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well talking. Here speeching American.
13. At a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop you trousers here for best results.
14. At a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
15. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
16. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
17. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
18. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
19. At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
20. At an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here (mmm...).
21. At a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
22. A Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
23. From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor.
24. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
25. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
26. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcom to it.
27. In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
28. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
29. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finder; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
2. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
3. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
4. In an Athens hotel: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.
5. In a Yugoslav hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
6. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
7. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel, across from a Russian monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
8. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension (???).
9. In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today: no ice cream.
10. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
11. Alongside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
12. Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well talking. Here speeching American.
13. At a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop you trousers here for best results.
14. At a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
15. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
16. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
17. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
18. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
19. At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
20. At an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here (mmm...).
21. At a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
22. A Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
23. From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor.
24. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
25. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
26. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcom to it.
27. In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
28. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
29. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finder; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
How many times make love to your wife?
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an
overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their
home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged,
"And this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much
she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian
responded, "And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me
she could never love another man."
When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how
many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to
you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their
home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged,
"And this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much
she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian
responded, "And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me
she could never love another man."
When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how
many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to
you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Czech man and soviet agent
Back in the unhappy days when Czechoslovakia was under Soviet
domination, a valiant freedom fighter was wandering through the
countryside, trying to evade a Soviet agent, who was in hot pursuit,
found himself near an old castle, and went inside for refuge.
Soon he found that the Soviet agent had followed him into the castle so
our hero slipped into the nearest hiding-place, which was a medieval
armor. He remained there, very still, until the Soviet gave up in
disgust, and left him free to continue working for the liberation of his
native land.
Why didn't the Soviet agent think to look inside the armor?
"Very simple,... As a well-trained Marxist, he would never consider any
capitalistic lie as that there was a Czech in the mail."
* Czech = sounds like cheque
Mail = kind of medieval armor
domination, a valiant freedom fighter was wandering through the
countryside, trying to evade a Soviet agent, who was in hot pursuit,
found himself near an old castle, and went inside for refuge.
Soon he found that the Soviet agent had followed him into the castle so
our hero slipped into the nearest hiding-place, which was a medieval
armor. He remained there, very still, until the Soviet gave up in
disgust, and left him free to continue working for the liberation of his
native land.
Why didn't the Soviet agent think to look inside the armor?
"Very simple,... As a well-trained Marxist, he would never consider any
capitalistic lie as that there was a Czech in the mail."
* Czech = sounds like cheque
Mail = kind of medieval armor
Saturday, August 23, 2008
The indian names
The young Indian boy had spent most of his life in a quandry... He felt different yet... couldn't figure why... he was just so depressed. He went to the Chief for answers... He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name...
The chief answered in his typically poetic way..."When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest... and so Running Deer was named. It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth."
Then, the boy said to the Chief... And how did my sister "Thundering Bird" get her name? The chief described again, how at the moment of her birth Thundering Bird's mother had heard a roar of thunder and looking up, saw a bird flying in the sky...
The boy asked again, how his cousin "White Crouching Bear" had been given such a name... And the chief, looking down once more at the boy, explaining the traditions of their tribe.... White Bear's mother had seen a rare white bear crouched over a stream at the moment her baby's birth. Then he asked the boy...
"Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"
The chief answered in his typically poetic way..."When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest... and so Running Deer was named. It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth."
Then, the boy said to the Chief... And how did my sister "Thundering Bird" get her name? The chief described again, how at the moment of her birth Thundering Bird's mother had heard a roar of thunder and looking up, saw a bird flying in the sky...
The boy asked again, how his cousin "White Crouching Bear" had been given such a name... And the chief, looking down once more at the boy, explaining the traditions of their tribe.... White Bear's mother had seen a rare white bear crouched over a stream at the moment her baby's birth. Then he asked the boy...
"Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"
Excuse me....
A Journalist has to write a story on the lack of meat in Poland. So
he goes off to Poland and asks the people: "Excuse me, what do you
think of the lack of meat in Poland?"
All the Poles reply: "Meat? What is meat?"
Seeing he cannot get an answer in Poland he goes to the USSR and
asks the Soviets: "Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat
in Poland?"
All the Soviets reply: "Think? What is think?"
Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USSR he goes to the USA and
asks the Americans: "Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of
meat in Poland?"
All the Americans reply: "Lack? What is lack?"
Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USA he decides to go to
Israel, and asks the Israelis: "Excuse me, what do you think of the
lack of meat in Poland?"
To which all the Israelis reply: "Excuse me? What is excuse me?"
he goes off to Poland and asks the people: "Excuse me, what do you
think of the lack of meat in Poland?"
All the Poles reply: "Meat? What is meat?"
Seeing he cannot get an answer in Poland he goes to the USSR and
asks the Soviets: "Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat
in Poland?"
All the Soviets reply: "Think? What is think?"
Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USSR he goes to the USA and
asks the Americans: "Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of
meat in Poland?"
All the Americans reply: "Lack? What is lack?"
Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USA he decides to go to
Israel, and asks the Israelis: "Excuse me, what do you think of the
lack of meat in Poland?"
To which all the Israelis reply: "Excuse me? What is excuse me?"
Shit happens
Taoism: Shit happens.
Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.
Islam: If shit happens, it's the will of Allah
Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?!
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Catholicism: Shit happens because you're bad.
Har Krisna: Shit happens, Rama Rama!
T.V. Evangelism: Send more shit!!
Atheism: No shit.
Jehovah's Witness: Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism: There's nothing like a good shit happenin'.
Christian Science: Shit Happens in your mind.
Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Existentialism: What is shit anyway?
Stoicism: This shit doesn't bother me.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.
Islam: If shit happens, it's the will of Allah
Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?!
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Catholicism: Shit happens because you're bad.
Har Krisna: Shit happens, Rama Rama!
T.V. Evangelism: Send more shit!!
Atheism: No shit.
Jehovah's Witness: Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism: There's nothing like a good shit happenin'.
Christian Science: Shit Happens in your mind.
Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Existentialism: What is shit anyway?
Stoicism: This shit doesn't bother me.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
Friday, August 22, 2008
General Custer's last thoughts
The curator of an art gallery asked an artist for a painting depicting General Custer's last thoughts.
Two weeks later, the artist unveiled the painting, an enormous canvas with a lovely blue lake painted in its center, with a fish leaping from the water with a shining halo around its head. On the shores of the lake were the most detailed pictures of Indians fornicating.
After gaping at the painting for some time, the enraged curator demanded to know what the theme was supposed to be.
The artist said, "You asked for a painting of Custer's last thoughts," he explained. "That's it. Custer was thinking, 'Holy mackerel, where did all those fucking Indians come from?'"
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Look, I'm a white boy!
A little black boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. He looks at his mom and says, "Mom, look, I'm a white boy!"
His mom slaps him in the kisser and says, "Go show your father!"
He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look dad, I'm a white boy!" His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, "Go show your Grandmother!"
The boy goes in his grandmother's room and says, "Look granny, I'm a white boy!" His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother.
His mother says "See. Did you learn anything from that?!"
To which the boy replies, "Sure enough did. I've only been white for 5 minutes and I already hate you black people!"
His mom slaps him in the kisser and says, "Go show your father!"
He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look dad, I'm a white boy!" His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, "Go show your Grandmother!"
The boy goes in his grandmother's room and says, "Look granny, I'm a white boy!" His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother.
His mother says "See. Did you learn anything from that?!"
To which the boy replies, "Sure enough did. I've only been white for 5 minutes and I already hate you black people!"
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Person in charge
A foreman at a construction site gathers three of his workers: an Irishman, an Italian and a Chinese.
He says to the Irishman, "you're in charge of Sweeping,I want this whole area swept up before I get back".
He says to the Italian, "You're in charge of shoveling. I want that pile shoveled into the truck so they can haul it away."
He says to the Chinaman, "You're in charge of supplies. No make sure that all gets done before I get back."
Three hours later, he returns and none of the work is done. The Irishman says, "I couldnt find a broom. You left the Chinaman in charge of supplies and he disappeared." The Italian says "And I couldn't find a shovel".
So the forman starts walking and looking for the chinaman. Just then,the Chinaman jumps out from behind a pillar and screams "SUPPLIES!!"
He says to the Irishman, "you're in charge of Sweeping,I want this whole area swept up before I get back".
He says to the Italian, "You're in charge of shoveling. I want that pile shoveled into the truck so they can haul it away."
He says to the Chinaman, "You're in charge of supplies. No make sure that all gets done before I get back."
Three hours later, he returns and none of the work is done. The Irishman says, "I couldnt find a broom. You left the Chinaman in charge of supplies and he disappeared." The Italian says "And I couldn't find a shovel".
So the forman starts walking and looking for the chinaman. Just then,the Chinaman jumps out from behind a pillar and screams "SUPPLIES!!"
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