A very successful lawyer parks his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he gets out, a truck passes too closely and completely rips off the door on the driver's side.
The lawyer immediately grabs his cell phone, dials 911, and within minutes a policeman pulls up. Before the officer has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically that his Lexus, which he had just bought the day before, is now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally calms down a bit, the officer shakes his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he says. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asks the lawyer.
The cop replies, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"My God!" screams the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?!"
Showing posts with label Lawyer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lawyer. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
The Lawyer's Funeral
A man reluctantly attends his laywer's funeral expecting to be one of the only people there, and is surprised to see a huge turnout for this one terrible man. He turns to the people around him.
“Why are you all at this lawyer's funeral?” he asks.
A man turns towards him and says, “We''re all clients.”
“And you ALL came to pay your respects?”
“No, we came to make sure he was really dead.”
“Why are you all at this lawyer's funeral?” he asks.
A man turns towards him and says, “We''re all clients.”
“And you ALL came to pay your respects?”
“No, we came to make sure he was really dead.”
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Interview Techniques
An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position
as chief executive officer of a large corporation.
The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions,
ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a
series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and
announcing, "Four."
The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before
answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a
great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of
Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four."
The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end
of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in
the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the
telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"
as chief executive officer of a large corporation.
The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions,
ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a
series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and
announcing, "Four."
The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before
answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a
great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of
Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four."
The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end
of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in
the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the
telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Why are you eating grass?
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine
when he saw two men eating grass by the road side.
He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car
as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"
when he saw two men eating grass by the road side.
He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car
as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"
Friday, August 22, 2008
Lawyers vs Engineers
Three lawyers and three engineers were traveling by train to the same meeting. At the station, the lawyers each buy a ticket but the engineers buy just one. When asked why, the engineers coyly said "You'll see."
They all board the train, the lawyers taking seats, but the three engineers all crowding into the bathroom. After the train has left, the conductor comes around and takes the lawyers tickets and knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket Please." An arm stretches out from the bathroom and the conductor takes the proffered ticket. The lawyers were very impressed.
On the return trip, the lawyers proposed to emulate the gearheads and bought only one ticket. To their amazement, the engineers bought no ticket at all. When asked, the engineers said, "You'll see."
All board the train and the lawyers and engineers cram into seperate bathrooms to await the conductor. After a few minutes, one of the gearheads emerges from the bathroom, goes over to the lawyers bathroom, knocks on the door and says: "Ticket please."
Saturday, August 16, 2008
A lawyer's tombstone
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative:
He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange"!
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative:
He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange"!
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Married in heaven
It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives.
When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait.
It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony.
So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together.
They went back to St. Peter, and said, "We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?"
"Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. How long would you think for me to get a lawyer!"
When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait.
It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony.
So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together.
They went back to St. Peter, and said, "We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?"
"Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. How long would you think for me to get a lawyer!"
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