A reporter goes way up into the hills of West Virginia to write an article about the area. He meets an old man in a small town and asks him about any memorable events in his life.
The old man says, "Well, one time my favorite sheep got lost, so me and my neighbors got some moonshine and went looking for it. We looked and looked and finally found the sheep. Then we drank the moonshine and one by one, started shagging the sheep. It was a lot of fun!"
The reporter figured he can't write an article about that, so he asked the old man to tell him another story.
The old man said, "Well, one time my neighbor's wife got lost, so me and all the village men got some moonshine and went out looking for her. We looked and looked and finally we found her. Then we drank the moonshine and one by one, started shagging the neighbor's wife. Now, THAT was a lot of fun!"
The reporter, feeling frustrated, finally told the old man that he couldn't write articles about those stories and asked him if he had any dramatic or sad memories that he could talk about.
The old man paused a little and with a sad expression on his face said -
"Well, one time I was lost ..."
Showing posts with label Sexuality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sexuality. Show all posts
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Friday, September 5, 2008
Oral Sex Trained Frog
An attractive woman entered a pet shop. When the clerk offered assistance, she explained that she was recently divorced, and was looking for a small-ish dog for company.
The clerk explained that the name of the store was 'Exotic Pets' and that, unfortunately, they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any commonplace pets.
He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal. He took the woman into a back room. He walked over to a terrarium, and pointed proudly to a large bullfrog which sat inside it.
"Would that suit your needs?" he asked.
The woman answered, scornfully, that she hardly thought an amphibian would be a suitable companion.
"Ah," replied the salesman, leering, "but this 'amphibian' has been carefully trained ... to perform oral sex upon women."
At this the woman's eyes lit up.She eagerly negotiated a price of $500 for the frog, and left with it in her expectant possession. Arriving home, she drew a bubble bath, poured a glass of champagne and relaxed in anticipation. When she was thoroughly mellow, she dried herself, and arranged herself, nude, upon her bed. Parting her thighs, she placed the frog between them, closed her eyes, and waited.
Nothing happened. She prodded the frog. Still nothing. She moved it Up further toward her body. Nothing. She ordered it to perform. No response.
After an hour of this frustration, she lifted the phone, and called the pet shop. When the clerk answered, she complained loudly that she had been cheated. The clerk apologized profusely, wrote down her address, and said he'd be right over.
Ten minutes later, he knocked on the door, and the woman answered, wearing a nightgown. He asked her to demonstrate the problem. She obliged, by disrobing and assuming her former position, with the frog in place. The frog made no movement.
"You see?" she asked, petulantly.
"Yes, I do," said the man.
Then, addressing the frog as he removed his necktie and shirt, he said, "Now, I'm only going to show you this one more time..."
The clerk explained that the name of the store was 'Exotic Pets' and that, unfortunately, they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any commonplace pets.
He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal. He took the woman into a back room. He walked over to a terrarium, and pointed proudly to a large bullfrog which sat inside it.
"Would that suit your needs?" he asked.
The woman answered, scornfully, that she hardly thought an amphibian would be a suitable companion.
"Ah," replied the salesman, leering, "but this 'amphibian' has been carefully trained ... to perform oral sex upon women."
At this the woman's eyes lit up.She eagerly negotiated a price of $500 for the frog, and left with it in her expectant possession. Arriving home, she drew a bubble bath, poured a glass of champagne and relaxed in anticipation. When she was thoroughly mellow, she dried herself, and arranged herself, nude, upon her bed. Parting her thighs, she placed the frog between them, closed her eyes, and waited.
Nothing happened. She prodded the frog. Still nothing. She moved it Up further toward her body. Nothing. She ordered it to perform. No response.
After an hour of this frustration, she lifted the phone, and called the pet shop. When the clerk answered, she complained loudly that she had been cheated. The clerk apologized profusely, wrote down her address, and said he'd be right over.
Ten minutes later, he knocked on the door, and the woman answered, wearing a nightgown. He asked her to demonstrate the problem. She obliged, by disrobing and assuming her former position, with the frog in place. The frog made no movement.
"You see?" she asked, petulantly.
"Yes, I do," said the man.
Then, addressing the frog as he removed his necktie and shirt, he said, "Now, I'm only going to show you this one more time..."
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
How many times make love to your wife?
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an
overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their
home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged,
"And this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much
she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian
responded, "And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me
she could never love another man."
When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how
many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to
you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their
home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged,
"And this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much
she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian
responded, "And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me
she could never love another man."
When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how
many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to
you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Martian swingers
A couple from earth has finally saved up enough money to take a vacation on mars (they could do that then). So they go to mars and meet a martian couple and start talking about they way they do things and come to the subject of sex. They decide to switch partners for the night to see what happens.
The human woman and the man martian go into a room and the martian strips but his thing is the size of a pencil (whoa), and the woman says, "um, how is this going to work?"
The martian man replies "Oh, not big enough? Okay then."
All of a sudden he starts slapping his forehead and his thing grows longer. "Um, that's good but isn't it still a little thin?
"No problem" the martian man replies.
Then he starts pulling his ears and it grows wider.
The woman is amazed by this and they have wonderful sex.
The next day they meet and the human man asks his wife how it was and she said "Oh my, it was wonderful! How was your night?"
The man replied, "It was awful!!
The martian woman kept slapping my forehead and puling my ears!"
The human woman and the man martian go into a room and the martian strips but his thing is the size of a pencil (whoa), and the woman says, "um, how is this going to work?"
The martian man replies "Oh, not big enough? Okay then."
All of a sudden he starts slapping his forehead and his thing grows longer. "Um, that's good but isn't it still a little thin?
"No problem" the martian man replies.
Then he starts pulling his ears and it grows wider.
The woman is amazed by this and they have wonderful sex.
The next day they meet and the human man asks his wife how it was and she said "Oh my, it was wonderful! How was your night?"
The man replied, "It was awful!!
The martian woman kept slapping my forehead and puling my ears!"
Sex before mass
The young newly married Catholic couple were regular attendants at Mass. As like all newly married couples, they were in a constant state of arousal. Well they didn't want to do anything wrong so they approached their Parish Priest for advice.
Father, the young couple asked ... "is it ok to have sex before Mass ?"
The not so young Priest responded after a few moments of reflection ... "yes my children it's ok to have sex before Mass .. but please don't block the aisles...
Father, the young couple asked ... "is it ok to have sex before Mass ?"
The not so young Priest responded after a few moments of reflection ... "yes my children it's ok to have sex before Mass .. but please don't block the aisles...
Friday, August 22, 2008
Double flavored apples
A guy's driving down a country road when he comes upon a sign saying "Apples - $
5.00 each." He thinks that that is a lot of money so he decides to go see what's up.
He goes up to the farmer and says, "Hey, how come these apples are 5 bucks each?" The farmer replies, "They are peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer hands him one and says, "Here, try one."
So the man takes a bite out of the apple and says, "Peanut butter - that's great, but I thought you said that they were peanut butter and jelly apples."
The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man bites the other side and exclaims "son of a gun - jelly!" The man says, "These apples are great - give me some!"
He gets back in his car and drives a little further down the road and then sees another sign "Apples - $10 each." Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and says, "Hey, what's up with these apples?"
The farmer says, "They're ham and cheese apples. Here, try one."
The guy takes a bit and exclaims, "Son of a gun - ham!" The guy then says, "Let me guess - I have to turn it around."
The farmer says "You got it." The guy bites the other side and says, "Cheese." Again the man says, "These apples are great - give me some."
Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road. He comes upon a third sign that says "Apples - $50 each." The guy really wants to see what's up with these apples. Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says, "What's the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?"
The farmer tells him that "These apples are pussy apples. Here, try one."
The guy takes a bite out of it and says, "Yuck! This apple tastes like shit!"
The farmer says, "Turn it around!"
We's Sergeants now!
Two good ol' boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior - there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have us a drank."
"But we's privates," protests Junior.
"NO, we's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside
"Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."
"But, we's privates," says Junior.
"You blind, boy!" says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now!"
So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.
"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it's good, give me the okay sign."
Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
"Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?!"
"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates."
Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now!
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior - there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have us a drank."
"But we's privates," protests Junior.
"NO, we's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside
"Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."
"But, we's privates," says Junior.
"You blind, boy!" says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now!"
So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.
"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it's good, give me the okay sign."
Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
"Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?!"
"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates."
Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now!
Friday, August 15, 2008
A coma alternative healing
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.
The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from her.
The doctor suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.
The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.
The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies: "She choked."
The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from her.
The doctor suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.
The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.
The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies: "She choked."
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Four nuns at heaven's gate
So, four nuns die at about the same time, and are waiting at the pearly gates to consult St. Peter. He says, "Next!"
He asks the first nun, "Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask this: Have you ever come in contact with a penis?"
The first nun says, embarrased, "Well, I was a nurse for a while, Mr. Peter, so, yes, I had to touch a few penises in my time..."
St. Peter says, "No problem! Just wash your hands out in that there fountain of holy water, and go right in!" So the nun washes her hands, and the gates spring open, the music plays, and the first nun walks right in.
Then St. Peter asks the second nun, "Have you ever come in contact with a penis?"
The second nun says, embarrassed, "Well, once I was trying to convert some people, and I wandered into a movie theater by accident. There was a penis on the screen..."
"Not to worry!" laughs St. Peter. "Just wash your eyes out in the fountain of holy water over there, and you're set!" So the nun washes her eyes, and the gates spring open, the music plays, and the second nun walks right in.
Then St. Peter begins to ask the third nun. "Have you ever come in cont..."
Suddenly, the fourth nun interrupts! "Um, Mr. Peter, I reeeaaaallly have to go first!"
"Be patient, child, you'll have your turn," says St. Peter. He turns to the third one again. "Now, have you ever come in contact with..."
"Mr. PETER!!!!" The fourth one screams. "I REALLY have to go first." "I'll ask you in just a moment! I have to ask this young lady first!"
"NO WAY!" the fourth one says, practically fuming. "I'm not gonna was out my mouth in that fountain after she washes her ass out in it!!"
He asks the first nun, "Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask this: Have you ever come in contact with a penis?"
The first nun says, embarrased, "Well, I was a nurse for a while, Mr. Peter, so, yes, I had to touch a few penises in my time..."
St. Peter says, "No problem! Just wash your hands out in that there fountain of holy water, and go right in!" So the nun washes her hands, and the gates spring open, the music plays, and the first nun walks right in.
Then St. Peter asks the second nun, "Have you ever come in contact with a penis?"
The second nun says, embarrassed, "Well, once I was trying to convert some people, and I wandered into a movie theater by accident. There was a penis on the screen..."
"Not to worry!" laughs St. Peter. "Just wash your eyes out in the fountain of holy water over there, and you're set!" So the nun washes her eyes, and the gates spring open, the music plays, and the second nun walks right in.
Then St. Peter begins to ask the third nun. "Have you ever come in cont..."
Suddenly, the fourth nun interrupts! "Um, Mr. Peter, I reeeaaaallly have to go first!"
"Be patient, child, you'll have your turn," says St. Peter. He turns to the third one again. "Now, have you ever come in contact with..."
"Mr. PETER!!!!" The fourth one screams. "I REALLY have to go first." "I'll ask you in just a moment! I have to ask this young lady first!"
"NO WAY!" the fourth one says, practically fuming. "I'm not gonna was out my mouth in that fountain after she washes her ass out in it!!"
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
A gay in hell
Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Pete decided to let him in. "Follow me" he said, opening the gate and walking in.
After some walk, Saint Pete's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.
Saint Pete was furious. "If you do that again, You'll go straight to hell! But follow me, we're almost there."
After some more walk, Pete dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Pete was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.
Again they walk and for the third time Pete drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Pete is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.
A few weeks later, Saint Pete goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass of.
"Why is it so god damn cold down here? "Pete asks.
"Well you just try bending down for firewood!!" The devil replied.
After some walk, Saint Pete's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.
Saint Pete was furious. "If you do that again, You'll go straight to hell! But follow me, we're almost there."
After some more walk, Pete dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Pete was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.
Again they walk and for the third time Pete drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Pete is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.
A few weeks later, Saint Pete goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass of.
"Why is it so god damn cold down here? "Pete asks.
"Well you just try bending down for firewood!!" The devil replied.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Differences Between Good Girls and Bad Girls
Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Good girls wax their floors.
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls blush during sex scenes in a movie.
Bad girls know they could do it better.
Good girls wear white cotton panties.
Bad girls don't wear any.
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it.
Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
Good girls pack their toothbrush.
Bad girls pack their diaphragms.
Good girls wear high heels to work.
Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have sex.
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place.
Good girls prefer the missionary position.
Bad girls do too, but only for starters.
Good girls say, "No”.
Bad girls say, "When?"
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Good girls wax their floors.
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls blush during sex scenes in a movie.
Bad girls know they could do it better.
Good girls wear white cotton panties.
Bad girls don't wear any.
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it.
Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
Good girls pack their toothbrush.
Bad girls pack their diaphragms.
Good girls wear high heels to work.
Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have sex.
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place.
Good girls prefer the missionary position.
Bad girls do too, but only for starters.
Good girls say, "No”.
Bad girls say, "When?"
Why is E-Mail like Penis?
- Those who have it would be devastated if it were cut off.
- Those who have it somehow believe those who don't are inferior.
- Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat but doubt it's worth all the fuss that those who have it make about it.
- Many of those who don't have it would like to try it; phenomenon psychologists call E-Male Envy.
- It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to getany work done.
- In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmitinformation vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
- If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
- We attach an importance to it far greater than its size and influence warrant.
- If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
- Those who have it somehow believe those who don't are inferior.
- Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat but doubt it's worth all the fuss that those who have it make about it.
- Many of those who don't have it would like to try it; phenomenon psychologists call E-Male Envy.
- It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to getany work done.
- In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmitinformation vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
- If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
- We attach an importance to it far greater than its size and influence warrant.
- If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
Dating vs Marriage
When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing
flammable near your husband at all times.
When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says
"What are you going to drink?"
When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.
When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an
army cot.
When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"
When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex,
will you leave me alone???"
When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you
for no reason.
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.
When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together,
growing old together.
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.
When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel
all "mushy."
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to
claw his eyes out.
When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is.
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty
clothes storage area.
When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in
the mood."
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."
When you are dating..... He understands that you have
"male" friends.
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to
steal you away.
When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things.
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare.
When you are dating..... He calls you by name.
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you
when speaking to others as "She."
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing
flammable near your husband at all times.
When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says
"What are you going to drink?"
When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.
When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an
army cot.
When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"
When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex,
will you leave me alone???"
When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you
for no reason.
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.
When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together,
growing old together.
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.
When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel
all "mushy."
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to
claw his eyes out.
When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is.
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty
clothes storage area.
When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in
the mood."
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."
When you are dating..... He understands that you have
"male" friends.
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to
steal you away.
When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things.
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare.
When you are dating..... He calls you by name.
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you
when speaking to others as "She."
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