I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..'
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Showing posts with label Men And Women. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Men And Women. Show all posts
Friday, February 27, 2009
Female vs Male Friendships
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Psychology Student
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at
the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes
over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted
with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep
with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he
slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She
smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm
a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond
to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean,
$200?!?!"
the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes
over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted
with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep
with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he
slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She
smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm
a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond
to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean,
$200?!?!"
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Divorce Court
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
Friday, September 5, 2008
The Geography of a Woman And Man
The Geography of a Woman
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan.
Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.
*dick = sounds like dict (ator)
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan.
Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.
*dick = sounds like dict (ator)
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Martian swingers
A couple from earth has finally saved up enough money to take a vacation on mars (they could do that then). So they go to mars and meet a martian couple and start talking about they way they do things and come to the subject of sex. They decide to switch partners for the night to see what happens.
The human woman and the man martian go into a room and the martian strips but his thing is the size of a pencil (whoa), and the woman says, "um, how is this going to work?"
The martian man replies "Oh, not big enough? Okay then."
All of a sudden he starts slapping his forehead and his thing grows longer. "Um, that's good but isn't it still a little thin?
"No problem" the martian man replies.
Then he starts pulling his ears and it grows wider.
The woman is amazed by this and they have wonderful sex.
The next day they meet and the human man asks his wife how it was and she said "Oh my, it was wonderful! How was your night?"
The man replied, "It was awful!!
The martian woman kept slapping my forehead and puling my ears!"
The human woman and the man martian go into a room and the martian strips but his thing is the size of a pencil (whoa), and the woman says, "um, how is this going to work?"
The martian man replies "Oh, not big enough? Okay then."
All of a sudden he starts slapping his forehead and his thing grows longer. "Um, that's good but isn't it still a little thin?
"No problem" the martian man replies.
Then he starts pulling his ears and it grows wider.
The woman is amazed by this and they have wonderful sex.
The next day they meet and the human man asks his wife how it was and she said "Oh my, it was wonderful! How was your night?"
The man replied, "It was awful!!
The martian woman kept slapping my forehead and puling my ears!"
You have all the equipment
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband
liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One
morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided
to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat,
and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls
up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, "Is this guy
blind or what?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and
write you up."
"If you do that, I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.
"I didn't even touch you," growls the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ..."
Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!
liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One
morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided
to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat,
and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls
up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, "Is this guy
blind or what?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and
write you up."
"If you do that, I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.
"I didn't even touch you," growls the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ..."
Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Wives control
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, "'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man."
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, "'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man."
An old woman speeding
An elderly couple were driving across the country.
The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave the officer her license.
The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"
The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave the officer her license.
The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"
Friday, August 22, 2008
Why there is no perfect woman?
Adam was wandering around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, when he heard a loud voice ask him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to, and he was feeling very lonely.
Then the loud voice said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. The voice continued, saying; "this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed."
Adam thought that sounded great, so he asked "What would a woman like this cost me??"
The voice answered, "an arm and a leg."
Adam thought about that for a moment. He thought that would be a pretty high price to pay, so he then asked, "What can I get for just a rib???"
The rest is history . . .
Then the loud voice said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. The voice continued, saying; "this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed."
Adam thought that sounded great, so he asked "What would a woman like this cost me??"
The voice answered, "an arm and a leg."
Adam thought about that for a moment. He thought that would be a pretty high price to pay, so he then asked, "What can I get for just a rib???"
The rest is history . . .
A car accident
A woman and a man were involved in a car accident -- it was a bad one. Both of their cars were totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of them were hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, "So, you're a man -- that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are both unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends, and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man thoughtfully replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it, and drank half the bottle. He then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, and immediately put the cork back in, and handed it back to the man.
In surprise, he asked, "Aren't you having any?"
"No," the woman replied, "I think I'll just wait for the police..."
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, "So, you're a man -- that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are both unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends, and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man thoughtfully replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it, and drank half the bottle. He then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, and immediately put the cork back in, and handed it back to the man.
In surprise, he asked, "Aren't you having any?"
"No," the woman replied, "I think I'll just wait for the police..."
3 Priests and young girl
There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburg. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass.
Well endowed, gorgeous, amazing. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg..." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.
The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So of course he also fled.
Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you!"
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Stupid husband
A young wife, her boorish husband and a good-looking sailor were ship-wrecked on an island and had already been there for awhile.
One morning the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled - "Stop fucking her down there!"
"What's the matter with you?" asked the husband after the sailor came back down. "We weren't doing anything."
"Sorry," said the sailor. "from up there it looked like you were."
Every morning after that, the sailor scaled the small tree and yelled the same thing. Finally, the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.
"By golly, he's right," said the husband. "It DOES look like they're fucking down there!"
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Marriage agreements
My wife and I have an agreement that works... She is responsible for the small decisions, and I am responsible for the big ones.
This means that she decides things like where to take our next vacation, the color of our next car, and the construction budget for adding on the new family room.
I decide whether or not the President should extend most favored nation trading status to China, how high the Federal Reserve should go with short term interest rates, and the timetable for the elimination of CFCs from automobile air conditioners.
This means that she decides things like where to take our next vacation, the color of our next car, and the construction budget for adding on the new family room.
I decide whether or not the President should extend most favored nation trading status to China, how high the Federal Reserve should go with short term interest rates, and the timetable for the elimination of CFCs from automobile air conditioners.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
The Domination
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.
God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only,one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only,one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
Anyone sitting here?
Bob received a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company.
Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realized the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field!
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50-yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him,
"Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man said "No."
Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?!"
The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"That's really sad," said Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"
"No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral!"
Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realized the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field!
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50-yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him,
"Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man said "No."
Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?!"
The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"That's really sad," said Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"
"No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral!"
Monday, August 11, 2008
Women's wish list
(Age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates the finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
(Age 32)
1. Nice looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at a restaurant
4. Listens more then he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry all the groceries wit hease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers anniversaries
10. Likes to be romantic at least once a week
(Age 42)
1. Not too ugly- Bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady- splurges on dinner at McDonald's on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punch line of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves on most weekends
(Age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends
(Age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where the bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Forgets why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up alone
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when...
(Age 72)
1. Breathing.....
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates the finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
(Age 32)
1. Nice looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at a restaurant
4. Listens more then he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry all the groceries wit hease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers anniversaries
10. Likes to be romantic at least once a week
(Age 42)
1. Not too ugly- Bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady- splurges on dinner at McDonald's on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punch line of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves on most weekends
(Age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends
(Age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where the bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Forgets why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up alone
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when...
(Age 72)
1. Breathing.....
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Men's English
" I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.
" I'm tired." = I'm tired.
" Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
" Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
" Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
" May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
" Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
" You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
" What's wrong?" = what meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
" What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
" I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
" I love you." = Let's have sex now.
" I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
" Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
" Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
" Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
" Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
And FINALLY... (While shopping) "I like that one better."
= Just pick ANY dress and let's go home!
" I'm tired." = I'm tired.
" Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
" Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
" Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
" May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
" Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
" You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
" What's wrong?" = what meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
" What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
" I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
" I love you." = Let's have sex now.
" I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
" Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
" Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
" Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
" Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
And FINALLY... (While shopping) "I like that one better."
= Just pick ANY dress and let's go home!
Women's English
" Yes" = No
" No" = Yes
" Maybe" = No
" I'm sorry." = you'll be sorry.
" We need" = I want
" It's your decision" = the correct decision should be obvious by now.
" Do what you want" = you'll pay for this later.
" We need to talk" = I need to complain
" Sure... go ahead" = I don't want you to.
" I'm not upset" = of course I'm upset, you moron!
" You're ... so manly" = you need a shave and you sweat a lot.
" You're certainly attentive tonight" = is sex all you ever think about?
" Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs.
" This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house.
" I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
" Hang the picture there" = NO, I mean hang it there!
" I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep.
" Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
" How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not going to like.
" I'll be ready in a minute." = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
" Is my butt fat?" = Tell me I'm beautiful.
" You have to learn to communicate." = Just agree with me.
" Are you listening to me!?" = [Too late, you're dead.]
" Was that the baby?" = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
" I'm not yelling!" = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
" No" = Yes
" Maybe" = No
" I'm sorry." = you'll be sorry.
" We need" = I want
" It's your decision" = the correct decision should be obvious by now.
" Do what you want" = you'll pay for this later.
" We need to talk" = I need to complain
" Sure... go ahead" = I don't want you to.
" I'm not upset" = of course I'm upset, you moron!
" You're ... so manly" = you need a shave and you sweat a lot.
" You're certainly attentive tonight" = is sex all you ever think about?
" Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs.
" This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house.
" I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
" Hang the picture there" = NO, I mean hang it there!
" I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep.
" Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
" How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not going to like.
" I'll be ready in a minute." = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
" Is my butt fat?" = Tell me I'm beautiful.
" You have to learn to communicate." = Just agree with me.
" Are you listening to me!?" = [Too late, you're dead.]
" Was that the baby?" = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
" I'm not yelling!" = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
Difference Between Men and Women
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife
can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot &
love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men
are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no
use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women
somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything
a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman
= before marriage & after marriage.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife
can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot &
love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men
are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no
use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women
somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything
a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman
= before marriage & after marriage.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)