TO: All Employees
RE: Swearing at work
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have
been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner.
1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.
15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Showing posts with label Office. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Office. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Quick Thinking Boy
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a market. A man came in
and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold
whole heads of lettuce. But the man said that he did not need a whole head, only
a half.
The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager. So he walked into the
back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a
head of lettuce."
As he said it, he turned to find the man standing right behind him. Realizing
he had been overheard, the boy quickly added, "and this gentleman wants to buy
the other half."
The manager okayed the request, and the man went on his way. Later, the
manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier,
but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your
feet, and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"
The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir".
"Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota," asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just hookers and hockey players up there."
"My wife is from Minnesota!"
The boy replied, "Oh Really! What team did she play for?"
and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold
whole heads of lettuce. But the man said that he did not need a whole head, only
a half.
The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager. So he walked into the
back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a
head of lettuce."
As he said it, he turned to find the man standing right behind him. Realizing
he had been overheard, the boy quickly added, "and this gentleman wants to buy
the other half."
The manager okayed the request, and the man went on his way. Later, the
manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier,
but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your
feet, and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"
The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir".
"Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota," asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just hookers and hockey players up there."
"My wife is from Minnesota!"
The boy replied, "Oh Really! What team did she play for?"
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
CEO's Message
A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.
"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can handle," he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and tookout the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the board, the press, and Wall Street responded positively, sales picked up, stockprices rose and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip insales, combined with serious problems getting new product to market. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO wasted no time inopening the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and again the company quickly rebounded.
"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can handle," he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and tookout the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the board, the press, and Wall Street responded positively, sales picked up, stockprices rose and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip insales, combined with serious problems getting new product to market. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO wasted no time inopening the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and again the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The simple message said, "Prepare three envelopes..."
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Exxon - Mobil Deal
In the wake of the Exxon - Mobil deal and the AOL - Netscape deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
2. PolyGram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.
3. 3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.
4. John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.
5. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.
6. Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home.
7. Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine, All Mine.
8. Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization for Women merge to become Knott NOW.
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
2. PolyGram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.
3. 3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.
4. John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.
5. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.
6. Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home.
7. Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine, All Mine.
8. Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization for Women merge to become Knott NOW.
Office Prayer
God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. Also, help me to be
careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Five Minutes Management Lessons
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower,
when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT LESSON
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower,
when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT LESSON
Monday, September 22, 2008
Twenty Management Styles
1) MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THAN THE EMPLOYEES
These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner.
2) MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW
These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their thoughts keep staring out of the windows.
3) MANAGING BY POST-ITS
Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their 'busy'ness by continuously writing on Post-Its while you are talking.
4) MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY
These managers just delegate everything to the secretary.
5) MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING
These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with irrelevant anecdotes.
6) MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING
These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies them. They will always have something to talk about.
7) MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION
Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all.
8) MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS
These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they have more work to do.
9) MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS
In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so on.
10) MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS
If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your carreer anymore.
11) MANAGING BY STUDYING
Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn, the further they get from the practice.
12) MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS
Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows,boxes or circles? These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance.
13) MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM
This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers are.
14) MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS
This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes.
15) MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE
In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the organization from having a better infrastructure.
16) BUA MANAGEMENT ( BY USING ABBREVIATIONS )
This management style is ATRASACWOC ( Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication ).
17) MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS
These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined, terms.
18) MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION
If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize.
19) MANAGING BY BELIEVING
These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all.
20) MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES
If you remind them to one of their promises, the priority of that promise is too low to remember.
These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner.
2) MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW
These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their thoughts keep staring out of the windows.
3) MANAGING BY POST-ITS
Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their 'busy'ness by continuously writing on Post-Its while you are talking.
4) MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY
These managers just delegate everything to the secretary.
5) MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING
These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with irrelevant anecdotes.
6) MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING
These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies them. They will always have something to talk about.
7) MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION
Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all.
8) MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS
These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they have more work to do.
9) MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS
In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so on.
10) MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS
If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your carreer anymore.
11) MANAGING BY STUDYING
Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn, the further they get from the practice.
12) MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS
Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows,boxes or circles? These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance.
13) MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM
This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers are.
14) MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS
This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes.
15) MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE
In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the organization from having a better infrastructure.
16) BUA MANAGEMENT ( BY USING ABBREVIATIONS )
This management style is ATRASACWOC ( Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication ).
17) MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS
These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined, terms.
18) MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION
If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize.
19) MANAGING BY BELIEVING
These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all.
20) MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES
If you remind them to one of their promises, the priority of that promise is too low to remember.
Performance Terms
Average Employee - Not too bright
Exceptionally Well Qualified - Made no major blunders yet
Work Is First Priority - Too ugly to get a date
Active Socially - Drinks a lot
Family Is Active Socially - Spouse drinks, too
Independent Worker - Nobody knows what he/she does
Quick Thinking - Offers plausible excuses
Careful Thinker - Won't make a decision
Aggressive - Obnoxious
Good Communication Skills - Spends lots of time on phone
Uses Logic On Difficult Jobs - Gets someone else to do it
Expresses Themselves Well - Speaks English
Meticulous Attention To Detail - A nit picker
Has Leadership Qualities - Is tall or has a loud voice
Exceptionally Good Judgment - Lucky
Keen Sense Of Humor - Knows a lot of dirty jokes
Career Minded - Back Stabber
Loyal - Can't get a job anywhere else
Exceptionally Well Qualified - Made no major blunders yet
Work Is First Priority - Too ugly to get a date
Active Socially - Drinks a lot
Family Is Active Socially - Spouse drinks, too
Independent Worker - Nobody knows what he/she does
Quick Thinking - Offers plausible excuses
Careful Thinker - Won't make a decision
Aggressive - Obnoxious
Good Communication Skills - Spends lots of time on phone
Uses Logic On Difficult Jobs - Gets someone else to do it
Expresses Themselves Well - Speaks English
Meticulous Attention To Detail - A nit picker
Has Leadership Qualities - Is tall or has a loud voice
Exceptionally Good Judgment - Lucky
Keen Sense Of Humor - Knows a lot of dirty jokes
Career Minded - Back Stabber
Loyal - Can't get a job anywhere else
Rejected Hallmark Cards
"Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder:...
-- What was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day!...
-- Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful you....
-- have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love...
-- After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...
-- I never believed in Hell until I met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
-- that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me...
-- Like the need for therapy."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!...
-- I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Before you go,...
I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
-- You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married...
-- but not to you."
"You look great for your age...
-- Almost Lifelike!"
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me...
-- Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend...
-- So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time...
-- What do you say we call it quits?"
"I'm so miserable without you...
-- It's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
-- Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was
only one life jacket...
-- I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
I can't help but wonder:...
-- What was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day!...
-- Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful you....
-- have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love...
-- After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...
-- I never believed in Hell until I met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
-- that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me...
-- Like the need for therapy."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!...
-- I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Before you go,...
I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
-- You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married...
-- but not to you."
"You look great for your age...
-- Almost Lifelike!"
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me...
-- Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend...
-- So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time...
-- What do you say we call it quits?"
"I'm so miserable without you...
-- It's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
-- Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was
only one life jacket...
-- I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
Job Placement
Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to
jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement.
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room
with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any
instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Accounting.
If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel are a good spot for them.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.
If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
And if they've left early, put them in Sales.
jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement.
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room
with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any
instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Accounting.
If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel are a good spot for them.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.
If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
And if they've left early, put them in Sales.
Virus Warning
There is a new virus going around, called 'work'. If you receive any sort of
'work' at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a
colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.
Work has been circulating around our building for months and those who have
been tempted to open 'work' or even look at 'work' have found that their social
life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter 'work' via email or are faced with any 'work' at all, then
to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words 'Sorry...I'm off
to the pub'. The 'work' should automatically be deleted from your brain.
If you receive 'work' in paper-document form, simply lift the document and
drag the 'work' to your garbage can. Put on your coat and skip to the nearest
bar with two friends and order three pints of beer.
After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that 'work' will no longer
be of any relevance to you.
Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do not have anyone
in your address book, then I'm afraid the 'work' virus has already corrupted
your life.
'work' at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a
colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.
Work has been circulating around our building for months and those who have
been tempted to open 'work' or even look at 'work' have found that their social
life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter 'work' via email or are faced with any 'work' at all, then
to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words 'Sorry...I'm off
to the pub'. The 'work' should automatically be deleted from your brain.
If you receive 'work' in paper-document form, simply lift the document and
drag the 'work' to your garbage can. Put on your coat and skip to the nearest
bar with two friends and order three pints of beer.
After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that 'work' will no longer
be of any relevance to you.
Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do not have anyone
in your address book, then I'm afraid the 'work' virus has already corrupted
your life.
Advertising Campaign Gone Bad
1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted
them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the
Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"
2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as
"Suffer from diarrhea".
3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an
American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux".
4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to
find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the
manure stick".
5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same
packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned
that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside,
since many people can't read.
6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a
notorious porno magazine.
7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market
which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the
shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender
chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a
chicken affectionate".
11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed
to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the
company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so
the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant".
them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the
Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"
2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as
"Suffer from diarrhea".
3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an
American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux".
4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to
find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the
manure stick".
5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same
packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned
that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside,
since many people can't read.
6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a
notorious porno magazine.
7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market
which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the
shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender
chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a
chicken affectionate".
11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed
to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the
company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so
the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant".
Company Policy
Start with a cage containing five apes.
In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long,
an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as
he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while,
another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed
with cold water. This continues through several more attempts.
Pretty soon, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes all
try to prevent it. Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one ape from the cage
and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb
the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another
attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be
assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one.
The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes
part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original ape with
a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of
the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb
the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.
After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes, which have
been sprayed with cold water, have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever
again approaches the stairs. Why not? Because that's the way they've always done
it and that's the way it's always been around here.
And that's how company policy begins....
In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long,
an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as
he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while,
another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed
with cold water. This continues through several more attempts.
Pretty soon, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes all
try to prevent it. Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one ape from the cage
and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb
the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another
attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be
assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one.
The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes
part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original ape with
a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of
the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb
the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.
After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes, which have
been sprayed with cold water, have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever
again approaches the stairs. Why not? Because that's the way they've always done
it and that's the way it's always been around here.
And that's how company policy begins....
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Work vs Prison
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.
In prison you get your own room.
At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.
In prison you get your own room.
At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.
Signs Everywhere
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."
Monday, September 1, 2008
Applicant's lingo
I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:
I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION &
ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:"
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:
I've used Microsoft Office.
I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:"
I pilfer office supplies.
MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:
I blame others for my mistakes.
I'M PERSONABLE:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:
As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.
I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:
I carry a Day-Timer.
MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:
You're probably looking for someone more experienced.
I AM ADAPTABLE:
I've changed jobs a lot.
I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:
The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.
I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:
I'm a college drop-out.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:
Wait! Don't throw me away!
I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:
Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.
I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION &
ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:"
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:
I've used Microsoft Office.
I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:"
I pilfer office supplies.
MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:
I blame others for my mistakes.
I'M PERSONABLE:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:
As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.
I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:
I carry a Day-Timer.
MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:
You're probably looking for someone more experienced.
I AM ADAPTABLE:
I've changed jobs a lot.
I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:
The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.
I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:
I'm a college drop-out.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:
Wait! Don't throw me away!
I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:
Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.
Corporate's lingo
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:
You'll be making under $7 an hour.
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:
You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:
Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:
Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.
IMMEDIATE OPENING:
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We have a lot of turnover.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
FLEXIBLE HOURS:
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL
We have no quality control.
COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.
CAREER-MINDED:
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON:
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine, you're fired.
You'll be making under $7 an hour.
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:
You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:
Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:
Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.
IMMEDIATE OPENING:
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We have a lot of turnover.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
FLEXIBLE HOURS:
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL
We have no quality control.
COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.
CAREER-MINDED:
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON:
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine, you're fired.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Job interview
There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.
Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.
He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.
The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The man got really upset and threw the guy out.
The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"
The guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.
Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"
The guy replied "Yeah, I bet you are wearing contact lenses."
Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?"
The guy burst out laughing and said you can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!
Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.
He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.
The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The man got really upset and threw the guy out.
The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"
The guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.
Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"
The guy replied "Yeah, I bet you are wearing contact lenses."
Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?"
The guy burst out laughing and said you can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Y2K compliance
Blonde secretary's memo to her boss:
TO: My Boss
FROM: Blondie
SUBJECT: Changing Calendars For Y2K
I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be
honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate,
I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all the company
calendars for you. The calendars have returned from the printer and are
ready to be distributed with the following new months:
Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk
I also changed all the days of each week to:
Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant.
Your loyal secretary!
TO: My Boss
FROM: Blondie
SUBJECT: Changing Calendars For Y2K
I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be
honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate,
I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all the company
calendars for you. The calendars have returned from the printer and are
ready to be distributed with the following new months:
Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk
I also changed all the days of each week to:
Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant.
Your loyal secretary!
Friday, August 22, 2008
Lawyers vs Engineers
Three lawyers and three engineers were traveling by train to the same meeting. At the station, the lawyers each buy a ticket but the engineers buy just one. When asked why, the engineers coyly said "You'll see."
They all board the train, the lawyers taking seats, but the three engineers all crowding into the bathroom. After the train has left, the conductor comes around and takes the lawyers tickets and knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket Please." An arm stretches out from the bathroom and the conductor takes the proffered ticket. The lawyers were very impressed.
On the return trip, the lawyers proposed to emulate the gearheads and bought only one ticket. To their amazement, the engineers bought no ticket at all. When asked, the engineers said, "You'll see."
All board the train and the lawyers and engineers cram into seperate bathrooms to await the conductor. After a few minutes, one of the gearheads emerges from the bathroom, goes over to the lawyers bathroom, knocks on the door and says: "Ticket please."
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