tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-41411463467847967202024-02-21T00:49:41.896+07:00The JokeslandChipruthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388162028307832110noreply@blogger.comBlogger187125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4141146346784796720.post-68952991547387546492012-09-10T13:20:00.001+07:002012-09-10T13:20:24.239+07:00Memorable Thoughts<br />
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. –George Burns</div>
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Santa Claus has the right idea … Visit people only once a year. –Victor Borge</div>
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What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce. –Mark Twain</div>
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. –Socrates</div>
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. –Groucho Marx</div>
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. –Jimmy Durante</div>
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The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. –Jilly Cooper</div>
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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. — Zsa Gabor</div>
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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. –Alex Levine</div>
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Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. –Mark Twain</div>
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Money can’t buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. –Spike Milligan</div>
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What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money. –Henny Youngman</div>
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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was ‘shut up.’ –Joe Namath</div>
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Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. –Herbert Henry Asquith</div>
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I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. –Bob Hope</div>
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A woman drove me to drink … and I hadn’t even the courtesy to thank her. –W.C. Fields</div>
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It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth. –George Burns</div>
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The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good … spit it out. –Unknown</div>
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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. –Billy Crystal</div>
Chipruthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388162028307832110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4141146346784796720.post-35221469569497461602009-02-27T23:40:00.000+07:002009-02-27T23:43:13.394+07:00Marriage Quotes by Men<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.<br /><br />It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.<br /><br />Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.<br /><br />A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..'<br /><br />Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.<br /><br />How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.<br /></span></span><span class="fullpost"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><br />A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'<br /><br />Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!<br /><br />I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.<br /><br />If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?<br /><br />A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.<br /></span></span><br /></span>Chipruthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388162028307832110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4141146346784796720.post-13584518240865618892009-02-27T23:28:00.002+07:002009-02-27T23:33:47.612+07:00Sunday School Lesson<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me Janice, who created the universe?" When Janice didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.<br /><br />"God Almighty!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good" and Janice fell back asleep.<br /><br />A while later the teacher asked Janice, "Who is our Lord and Saviour." But, Janice didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.<br /><br />"Jesus Christ!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good", and Janice fell back asleep.<br /><br />Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.<br /><br />This time Janice jumped up and shouted, "If you stick me with that thing one more time, I'll break it in half and stick it in your ass!"</span></span>Chipruthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388162028307832110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4141146346784796720.post-7069564603112176372009-02-27T23:22:00.001+07:002009-02-27T23:22:54.462+07:00Trick Question<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.<br /><br />"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."<br /><br />"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.<br /><br />"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."<br /><br />"That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will'".<br /><br />"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"</span></span>Chipruthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388162028307832110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4141146346784796720.post-21584484465923909772009-02-27T23:12:00.000+07:002009-02-27T23:15:34.611+07:00Female vs Male Friendships<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Friendship among Women: </span><br /><br />A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.<br /><br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Friendship among Men: </span><br /><br />A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.</span></span>Chipruthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388162028307832110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4141146346784796720.post-72540744129856505542009-01-27T22:21:00.000+07:002009-01-27T22:24:10.606+07:00Materialistic Lawyer<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">A very successful lawyer parks his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he gets out, a truck passes too closely and completely rips off the door on the driver's side.<br /><br />The lawyer immediately grabs his cell phone, dials 911, and within minutes a policeman pulls up. Before the officer has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically that his Lexus, which he had just bought the day before, is now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.<br /><br />When the lawyer finally calms down a bit, the officer shakes his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he says. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."<br /><br />"How can you say such a thing?" asks the lawyer.<br /><br />The cop replies, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."<br /><br />"My God!" screams the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?!"</span></span>Chipruthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388162028307832110noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4141146346784796720.post-72050823356955887582009-01-27T22:04:00.000+07:002009-01-27T22:06:47.092+07:00The Lawyer's Funeral<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">A man reluctantly attends his laywer's funeral expecting to be one of the only people there, and is surprised to see a huge turnout for this one terrible man. He turns to the people around him.<br /><br />“Why are you all at this lawyer's funeral?” he asks.<br /><br />A man turns towards him and says, “We''re all clients.”<br /><br />“And you ALL came to pay your respects?”<br /><br />“No, we came to make sure he was really dead.”</span></span>Chipruthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388162028307832110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4141146346784796720.post-56369302216156089082009-01-27T22:00:00.001+07:002009-01-27T22:02:16.951+07:00Message From Management<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">TO: All Employees<br />RE: Swearing at work<br /><br />It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals<br />throughout the company have been using foul language during the course<br />of normal conversation with their co-workers.<br /><br />Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily<br />offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.<br /><br />We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to<br />accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.<br /><br />Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have<br />been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can<br />continue in an effective manner.<br /><br />1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.<br />INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.<br /><br />2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.<br />INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.<br /></span></span><span class="fullpost"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></span><span id="fullpost"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.<br />INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?<br /><br />4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.<br />INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.<br /><br />5) TRY SAYING: Really?<br />INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!<br /><br />6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...<br />INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.<br /><br />7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.<br />INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.<br /><br />8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.<br />INSTEAD OF: What the f___?<br /><br />9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.<br />INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.<br /><br />10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.<br />INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?<br /><br />11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.<br />INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.<br /><br />12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?<br />INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.<br /><br />13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?<br />INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.<br /><br />14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.<br />INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.<br /><br />15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.<br />INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.<br /><br />16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.<br />INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.<br /><br />17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?<br />INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?<br /><br />18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.<br />INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.<br /></span></span><br /></span></span>Chipruthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388162028307832110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4141146346784796720.post-65791673899116577572009-01-20T19:40:00.001+07:002009-01-20T19:43:26.366+07:00A Dog Named "Sex"<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">Usually everyone who has a dog would call the dog Rover or something. I call mine "Sex". Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew HOW embarrassing until one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I was looking for Sex."<br /><br />My court case comes up next Thursday.<br /><br />One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too!" When I said "But this is a dog," he said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was two years old."<br /><br />He replied, "You must have been a strong boy."<br /></span></span> <span class="fullpost"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"></span></span><span id="fullpost"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></span></span></span><div><span class="fullpost"><span id="fullpost"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex."<br /><br />He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.<br /><br />My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for Sex. Then I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night", and the clerk said,"Me too."<br /><br />One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said, "Show off!" I told him it was a contest, and he told me I should have sold tickets.<br /><br />When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married" and the Judge said, "Me too."<br /><br />When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said, "Me too."<br /><br />Well now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"<br /><br />I replied, "Well, Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and it's so lonely."<br /><br />The doctor said, "Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?"<br /><br /></span></span> <br /></span></span></div>Chipruthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388162028307832110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4141146346784796720.post-21411379405331035982009-01-20T19:38:00.000+07:002009-01-20T19:39:57.867+07:00A Suicidal Heretic<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"<br /><br />"Why shouldn't I?" he said.<br />I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"<br /><br />"Like what?"<br />"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"<br />"Religious."<br /><br />"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"<br /><br />"Christian."<br />"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"<br />"Protestant."<br /><br />"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"<br />"Baptist."<br /><br />"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"<br />"Baptist Church of God."<br /><br />"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"<br />"Reformed Baptist Church of God."<br /><br />"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"<br />"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"<br /><br />To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.<br /></span></span>Chipruthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388162028307832110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4141146346784796720.post-27549564646808841402009-01-20T19:36:00.000+07:002009-01-20T19:37:55.885+07:00A Persistent Snail<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">A man hears a knock at his door, opens it but doesn't see anyone.<br /><br />He glances down, sees a snail there and being the conscientious gardener he is, tosses the snail across the road, into a field, away from his property.<br /><br />Ten years go by, and one day the man hears a knock at the door, but once again, doesn't find anyone there when he answers.<br /><br />He looks down, sees a snail there.<br /><br />The snail looks up at him, and in a tiny voice demands,<br />"WHAT WAS THAT FOR?"<br /></span></span>Chipruthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388162028307832110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4141146346784796720.post-85198292734529554232009-01-20T19:34:00.000+07:002009-01-20T19:36:17.844+07:00Blaming The Others<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">We yanks just love to pass the blame. What other country can boast of 3 lawyers for every citizen. We come up with the best reasons to blame others for our own problems. Here's a small list...<br /><br />If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she's holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.<br /><br />If your teen-age son kills himself or then next door neighbors, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.<br /><br />If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.<br /><br />If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.<br /></span></span> <span class="fullpost"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"></span></span><span id="fullpost"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><br />If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.<br /><br />If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.<br /><br />If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.<br />If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.<br /><br />And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.<br /><br />I guess I'll just never understand the world as it is anymore...<br />So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer while sending you this joke - I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?</span></span> <br /></span></span>Chipruthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388162028307832110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4141146346784796720.post-63174533327866741312009-01-17T11:17:00.000+07:002009-01-17T11:36:12.422+07:00Real Flight Announcements<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety<br />lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some<br />real examples that have been heard or reported:<br /><br />"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of<br />this airplane..."<br /><br />Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to<br />switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please<br />stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk<br />on the wings it affects the flight pattern."<br /><br />And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you<br />enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."<br /><br />As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone<br />voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"<br /><br />After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight<br />attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the<br />overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell<br />everything has shifted."<br /><br />From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to<br />YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull<br />tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to<br />operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event<br />of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling.<br />Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small<br />child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you<br />are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.<br /></span></span><span class="fullpost"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></span><span id="fullpost"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll<br />try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves<br />you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."<br /><br />"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings.<br />Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.<br />Please do not leave children or spouses."<br /><br />"Last one off the plane must clean it."<br /><br />And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of<br />the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on<br />this flight...!<br /><br />Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City:<br />The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I<br />know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's<br />fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants'<br />fault.....it was the asphalt!"<br /><br />Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you<br />to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."<br /><br />After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on<br />with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and<br />the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate.<br />And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll<br />open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.<br /><br />Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you<br />folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go<br />blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of<br />us here at US Airways."<br /></span></span> <br /></span></span>Chipruthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388162028307832110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4141146346784796720.post-43670130049565003492009-01-09T21:51:00.000+07:002009-01-09T21:52:41.812+07:00Psychology Student<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at<br />the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes<br />over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted<br />with you for a while?"<br /><br />She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep<br />with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.<br />Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he<br />slinks back to his table.<br /><br />After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She<br />smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm<br />a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond<br />to embarrassing situations."<br /><br />To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean,<br />$200?!?!"</span></span>Chipruthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388162028307832110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4141146346784796720.post-1168740486494528852009-01-09T21:24:00.000+07:002009-01-09T21:29:37.601+07:00Liver and Cheese<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">A black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy were eying a hot chick from across a bar.<br /><br />She notices them looking at her, so she walks up to them.<br /><br />She says, " I want a man that's smart. Use the words LIVER and CHEESE in one sentence. "<br /><br />The black guy goes " I love to eat liver and cheese. "<br /><br />The white guy goes " I like to cook liver and cheese. "<br /><br />The Mexican guy goes up to the girl and tells the guys " liver alone, cheese mine!!"</span></span>Chipruthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388162028307832110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4141146346784796720.post-38949786954418712692009-01-09T21:19:00.000+07:002009-01-09T21:23:13.212+07:00No Honey for a Week<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">One day, a little boy, was outside in the backyard stomping on honeybees.<br /><br />When his father came out and saw what the little boy was doing, he made<br />him stop right away and told the little boy, "That's it for you. No<br />honey for a week."<br /><br />Well, then the little boy went to the front yard of the house and<br />started stomping on butterflies. When his father saw what Teddy was<br />doing, he made him stop right away and said, "Stomping on butterflies is<br />a terrible thing to do. Just for that, no butter for a week."<br /><br />After that, little boy and his father went into the kitchen and saw the<br />little boy's mother stomping on cockroaches.<br /><br />The little boy turned to his father and said, "Should I tell her or<br />should you?"</span></span>Chipruthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388162028307832110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4141146346784796720.post-54502042128843539862009-01-03T02:05:00.001+07:002009-01-03T02:05:52.389+07:00Native Wisdom<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">A salesman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when he sees a Navajo man hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Navajo man climbs in.<br /><br />During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.<br /><br />"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the salesman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."<br /><br />The Navajo man is silent for awhile, nods several times and says, "Good trade."</span></span>Chipruthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388162028307832110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4141146346784796720.post-45764858174975906682009-01-03T01:57:00.001+07:002009-01-03T01:59:59.893+07:00Two Zebras Pondering<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?"<br />The other replies, "Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask him."<br />So that night he did and God replied, "You are what you are." </span></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />The next day he said to the other zebra,<br />"I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are what you are."<br />The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."</span></span></div>Chipruthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388162028307832110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4141146346784796720.post-83153809201221579752009-01-03T01:42:00.002+07:002009-01-03T01:45:18.697+07:00The Ten Commandments<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.<br /><br />The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"<br /><br />And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."<br /><br />"Can you give us an example?"<br /><br />"Thou shall not kill."<br /><br />"Not kill?<br />We're not interested."<br /><br />So He went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."<br /><br />The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,<br /><br />"Honor thy Father and Mother."<br /><br />"Father? We don't know who our fathers are."<br />We're not interested.<br /><br /></span></span><span class="fullpost"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"></span></span><span id="fullpost"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."<br /><br />The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said<br /><br />"Thou shall not steal."</span></span></span></span><div><span class="fullpost"><span id="fullpost"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />"Not steal?<br />We're not interested."<br /><br />Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."<br /><br />The French too wanted an example and the Lord said,<br /><br />"Thou shall not commit adultery."</span></span></span></span></div><div><span class="fullpost"><span id="fullpost"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />"Not commit adultery?<br />We're not interested."<br /><br />Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."<br />"Commandments?" They said,<br /><br />"How much are they?"<br />"They're free."<br />"Free? We'll take 10."</span></span><br /></span></span></div>Chipruthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388162028307832110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4141146346784796720.post-65847159439972091762009-01-03T01:38:00.002+07:002009-01-05T05:12:02.843+07:00NASA And The Navajo<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, it did some astronaut training near a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. What are these guys in the big suits doing?<br />A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.<br /><br />Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. They then took the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.<br /><br />Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the message said,<br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Watch out for these guys. They have come to steal your land.<br /></span></span><br /></span></span>Chipruthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388162028307832110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4141146346784796720.post-67792052178538888752009-01-03T01:34:00.001+07:002009-01-03T01:36:59.059+07:00Fluctuations<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went<br />to the currency exchange window at the local bank<br /><br />Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying<br />to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated.<br /><br />He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla<br />fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"<br /><br />The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations" .<br /><br />The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"</span></span>Chipruthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388162028307832110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4141146346784796720.post-34975147688766462602009-01-03T01:28:00.000+07:002009-01-03T01:29:21.310+07:00Divorce Court<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"<br /><br />She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."<br /><br />"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"<br /><br />"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.<br /><br />"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"<br /><br />"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."<br /><br />He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"<br /><br />"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."<br /><br />"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"<br /></span></span><span class="fullpost"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span><span id="fullpost"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."<br /><br />"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"<br /><br />"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."<br /><br />Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"<br /><br />"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"</span></span><br /></span></span>Chipruthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388162028307832110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4141146346784796720.post-26775640884282128002009-01-03T01:24:00.001+07:002009-01-03T01:26:49.954+07:00How Big Is Wal-Mart?<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">1 .<br />At Wal-Mart,<br />Americans spend $36,000,000 every hour<br />Of every day.<br /><br />2 .<br />This works out to $20,928 profit<br />Every minute!<br /><br />3.<br />Wal-Mart will sell more<br />From January 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March 17th)<br />Than Target sells all year.<br /><br />4.<br />Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot +<br />Kroger + Target + Sears + Costco +<br />K-Mart combined.<br /><br />5.<br />Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people<br />And is the largest private employer. And most can't speak English<br /><br />6.<br />Wal-Mart is the largest company<br />In the history of the World.<br /></span></span><span class="fullpost"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span><span id="fullpost"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">7.<br />Wal-Mart now sells more food<br />Than Kroger & Safeway combined,<br />And keep in mind they did this<br />In only 15 years.<br /><br />8.<br />During this same period,<br />31 Supermarket chains sought bankruptcy<br />(including Winn-Dixie).<br /><br />9.<br />Wal-Mart now sells more food<br />Than any other store in the world.<br /><br />10.<br />Wal-Mart has approx 3,900 stores<br />In the USA of which 1,906 are SuperCenters;<br />This is 1,000 more than it had 5 years ago.<br /><br />11.<br />This year, 7.2 billion different<br />Purchasing experiences will occur<br />At a Wal-Mart store.<br />(Earth's population is approximately 6.5 billion.)<br /><br />12.<br />90% of all Americans live<br />Within 15 miles of a Wal-Mart<br /><br />13<br />Let Wal-Mart bail out Wall Street</span></span><br /></span></span>Chipruthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388162028307832110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4141146346784796720.post-24756983429821056172009-01-03T01:18:00.001+07:002009-01-03T01:21:45.494+07:00New Indian Student<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.<br /><br />The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"<br /><br />She saw a sea of b lank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.<br /><br />'Very good!'<br /><br />Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'<br /><br />Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.<br /><br />The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'<br /><br />She heard a loud whisper: 'Screw the Indians,'<br /><br />'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.<br /><br />'General Custer, 1862.'<br /></span></span><span class="fullpost"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"></span></span><span id="fullpost"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'<br /><br />The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'<br /><br />Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'<br /><br />Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'<br /><br />Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'<br /><br />Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'<br /><br />Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'<br /><br />The teacher fainted.<br /><br />And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!'<br /><br />And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was the American people, November 4th, 2008".</span></span><br /></span></span>Chipruthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388162028307832110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4141146346784796720.post-9880659942731552192009-01-03T01:13:00.000+07:002009-01-03T01:15:26.799+07:00Proof Jesus was....<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">...Jewish:</span><br /><br />1. He went into his father's business.<br />2. He lived at home until the age of 33.<br />3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.<br /><br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">...Irish:</span><br /><br />1. He never got married.<br />2. He never held a steady job.<br />3. His last request was a drink.<br /><br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">...Puerto Rican:</span><br /><br />1. His first name was Jesus.<br />2. He was always in trouble with the law.<br />3. His mother did not know who his father was.<br /><br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">...Italian:</span><br /><br />1. He talked with his hands.<br />2. He had wine with every meal.<br />3. He used olive oil.<br /></span></span><span class="fullpost"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span><span id="fullpost"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">...Black:</span><br /><br />1. He called everybody brother.<br />2. He liked Gospel.<br />3. He couldn't get a fair trial.<br /><br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">...Californian:</span><br /><br />1. He never cut his hair.<br />2. He walked around barefoot all the time.<br />3. He started a new religion.<br /><br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">But the most compelling evidence of all - proof that Jesus was a <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">WOMAN</span>:</span><br /><br />1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.<br />2 . He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.<br />3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do.</span></span><br /></span></span>Chipruthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10388162028307832110noreply@blogger.com0