New Indian Student

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of b lank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good!'

Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'Screw the Indians,'

'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.

'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'

Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!'

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was the American people, November 4th, 2008".

Three Student's Competition

An Engineering Student, a Physics Student, and a Mathematics student were each given $150 dollars and were told to use that money to find out exactly how tall a particular hotel was. All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this.

The physics student went out, purchased some stopwatches, a number of ball
bearings, a calculator, and some friends. He had them all time the drop of ball
bearings from the roof, and he then figured out the height from the time it took
for the bearings to accelerate from rest until they impacted with the sidewalk.

The math student waited until the sun was going down, then she took out her
protractor, plumb line, measuring tape, and scratch pad, measured the length of
the shadow, found the angle the buildings roof made from the ground, and used
trigonometry to figure out the height of the building.

Of course, with all that was involved in getting this experiment done, they
were up plenty late studying for other courses' exams. These two students bumped
into the engineering student the next day, which looked quite refreshed. When
asked what he did to find the height of the building he replied:
"Well, I walked up to the bell hop, gave him 10 bucks, asked him how tall the
hotel was, and went inside for happy hour!"

Amazing Results of Statistics

1. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed.
2. All polar bears are left-handed.
3. If your car is stolen, there's a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar bear.

1. 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles.
2. 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles.
3. Work stuffs up your eyesight.

1. All dogs are animals.
2. All cats are animals.
3. Therefore, all dogs are cats.

1. A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second.
2. Ten babies are conceived around the world every second.
3. Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of becoming pregnant.

Organ that expand six times

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior
college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the
organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands
to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think
that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear
of this!" With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same
question.

Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim
light."

"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things
to say to you.

"One, you have not studied your lesson.

"Two, you have a dirty mind.

"And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

What do you like about it?

The teacher, brought a Venus statue in class and asks: "What do you like best about it?"

"The artwork," says Robert.

"Very good. And you, Peter?"

"Tits!"

"Peter, get out! And you, Johnny?"

"I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving."

English is a stupid language

Let's face it, English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant.
No ham in the hamburger.
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England.
And French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted.
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly,
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing?
If the plural of tooth is teeth,
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
What the heck does a humanitarian eat?
Why do people recite at a play,
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways?
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
And as cold as hell on another?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down.
And in which you fill in a form,
By filling it out.
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers.
And it reflects the creativity of the human race.
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why,
When the stars are out, they are visible
But when the lights are out, they are invisible
And it's why when I wind up my watch,
It starts.
But when I wind up this poem,
It ends.

Intimate with a ghost

A professor at the University is giving a seminar on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks them, "How many folk here believe
in ghosts?"
About 80 students raise their hands.

"That's a good start," says the professor, "For those who believe in ghosts,
do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good," continues the professor, "I'm really glad you take
this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response," remarks the impressed professor, "has anyone here
ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.

"Brilliant. But let me ask you one question further...
Have any of you ever been intimate with a ghost?"
One of his students from a Redneck state raises his hand.

The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back,
and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever
claimed that. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up
to the podium.
The professor asks, "Well, tell us what it's like to have made love to
a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost?!? Dang it!... I thought you said 'goats.' 

Who said that?

It was the first day of school in marietta, georgia, and a
new student named suzuki, the son of a japanese businessman,
entered the fourth grade.

the teacher said, "let's begin by reviewing some american
history. who said 'give me liberty, or give me death?'"

she saw a sea of blank faces, except for suzuki, who had his
hand up. "patrick henry, 1775," he said.

"very good! who said 'government of the people, by the people,
for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? again,
no response except from suzuki.
"abraham lincoln, 1863.", said suzuki.

the teacher snapped at the class, "class, you should be
ashamed. suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about
its history than you do." he heard a loud whisper:
"f*** the japs."

"who said that?" she demanded. suzuki put his hand up.
"lee iacocca, 1982." at that point, a student in the back
said, "i'm gonna puke."

the teacher glares and asks "all right! now, who said that?"
again, suzuki says, "george bush to the japanese prime
minister, 1991."

now furious, another student yells, "oh yeah? suck this!"
suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to
the teacher: "bill clinton, to monica lewinsky, 1997!"

now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "you little s***.
if you say anything else, i'll kill you." suzuki frantically
yells at the top of his voice, "gary condit to chandra
levy 2001."

the teacher fainted. and as the class gathered around the
teacher on the floor, someone said, "oh s***, we're f*****."

suzuki said, "the taliban! 2001"