Sunday School Lesson

Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me Janice, who created the universe?" When Janice didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good" and Janice fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Janice, "Who is our Lord and Saviour." But, Janice didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good", and Janice fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Janice jumped up and shouted, "If you stick me with that thing one more time, I'll break it in half and stick it in your ass!"

No Honey for a Week

One day, a little boy, was outside in the backyard stomping on honeybees.

When his father came out and saw what the little boy was doing, he made
him stop right away and told the little boy, "That's it for you. No
honey for a week."

Well, then the little boy went to the front yard of the house and
started stomping on butterflies. When his father saw what Teddy was
doing, he made him stop right away and said, "Stomping on butterflies is
a terrible thing to do. Just for that, no butter for a week."

After that, little boy and his father went into the kitchen and saw the
little boy's mother stomping on cockroaches.

The little boy turned to his father and said, "Should I tell her or
should you?"

Daughter's Prayer

A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to
her six- year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?
" I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the woman said.

Her daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite
all these people to dinner?''

A Wise Old Man

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high
school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.
Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of
youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on
every trashcan they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after
day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they
banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of
fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do
the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a
dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a
sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my
income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to
beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and
continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached
them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not
going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A freaking' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to
waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way,
dude. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his
days.

Little Johnny

TEACHER: "Johnny, use defeat, deduct, defense, and detail in one sentence."

JOHNNY: "De-feet of DE-duck went over De-fence before De-tail."

Son's Future Career

An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career, so they decided to do a small test.

They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table... then they hid, pretending they were not at home.

The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."

So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left.

Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.

After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it.

Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality ...then he left for his room, carrying all three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined.. " "Our son is going to be a politician!"

God is watching

The teacher put two baskets of treats on her desk, a basket of apples and a basket of cookies.

She told the students to each take only one treat.
Next to the basket of apples was a sign:
Take only one, God is watching.

As one little boy reached over to take a cookie, the boy next to him said, "Take all you want, God's watching the apples"!

It's dark in here, isn't it?

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day, the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Yes it is." the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks." the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball" the little extortionist continues.

"Okay. How much?" the man replies, after considering the position he is in. "Twenty-five dollars." the little boy replies.

"Twenty-five dollars!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again, when she hears a car in the driveway and again places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes it is." replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"Okay. How much this time!" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

"Fifty dollars." the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your

ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them" replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"Seventy-five dollars." the little boy says.

"Seventy-five dollars! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness." the father explains, as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

The priest says..."Don't you start that crap in here now!"

Cyanide injected watermelon

The was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he
was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon
patch at night and eat watermelons. . .

After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought
would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up a sign and posted it
in the field. The next day the kids showed up and they saw his sign:
"Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with
cyanide."

Well the kids were bright and not about to risk another watermelon. They
ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the sign that the
farmer made.

The next day the farmer showed up to look over the field and he noticed
to his delight that no watermelons are missing. He was perplexed,
however, by a sign next to his. He drove his tractor up to the sign
which read: "Now there are two!"

What do you like about it?

The teacher, brought a Venus statue in class and asks: "What do you like best about it?"

"The artwork," says Robert.

"Very good. And you, Peter?"

"Tits!"

"Peter, get out! And you, Johnny?"

"I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving."

Who is god?

A confused nine year old boy goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"

After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well God is both male and female."

This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"

"Well, God is both black and white."

This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"

At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless,

"Honey, God is both gay and straight."

At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks,

"Is God Michael Jackson?"

Is it a good baby?

A three year old walked over to the pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively ask the lady," why is your stomach so big?"

She replied, "Im having a baby."

With big eyes,he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"

She said, "He sure is."

Then the little boy with a puzzled look asked, "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "oh yes, its a real good baby."

With even a more surprised and shocked look he said,

"Then why did you eat him?"

Their kid's too

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.

"An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

Look, I'm a white boy!

A little black boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. He looks at his mom and says, "Mom, look, I'm a white boy!"

His mom slaps him in the kisser and says, "Go show your father!"

He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look dad, I'm a white boy!" His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, "Go show your Grandmother!"

The boy goes in his grandmother's room and says, "Look granny, I'm a white boy!" His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother.

His mother says "See. Did you learn anything from that?!"

To which the boy replies, "Sure enough did. I've only been white for 5 minutes and I already hate you black people!"

That's exactly

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"

"But that's right!"

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

His father asks, "What's the fucking difference?"

Johnny says, "That's exactly what I said!"

What about Holy Spirit?

There was a boy riding on his bike outside a church.
The priest saw him and told him to come into the church and the boy said,"...But they'll steal my bike."

The priest explained how the Holy Spirit would take care of it, so they went inside.

The priest showed the boy how to make the sign of the cross and told the boy to repeat it..."In the name of the Father, The Son...Amen"

The priest said,"What about the Holy Spirit?"
The boy replied, "Its outside taking care of my bike!"

All the things my mother taught me

My mom taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry out."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM -
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have
wonderful parents like you do!"

Hypothetical And Reality

A little boy goes up to his father and asks:
'Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?'

The father replies: 'Well son, I could give you the book
definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example.
Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the
mailman for $500, 000.'

The boy goes and asks his mother: 'Mom, would you have sex
with the mailman for $500, 000?' The mother replies:
'Hell yes I would!'

The little boy returns to his father: 'Dad, she said
'Hell yes I would!''
The father then says: 'Okay, now go and ask your older sister
if she'd have sex with her principal for $500, 000.'

The boy asks his sister: 'Would you have sex with your
principal for $500, 000?' The sister replies: 'Hell yes I would!'

He returns to his father: 'Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!''
The father answers: 'Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically,
we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with
a couple of whores.'

Things I've Learned from My Children

1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades,
they can ignite.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough
to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.

5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball
up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by
a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old
man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start
a fire even on an overcast day.

10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old.

11. "Play-Doh" and "microwave" should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk
on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show
they do.

16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house
4 inches deep.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
It will, however, make cats dizzy.

21. Cats spit up twice their body weight when dizzy.   

Children's Letters to God

Dear GOD,
I love animals. My goal is to be like Noah and have two of each in my room.
-Patrick

Dear GOD,
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation?
-Jacqueline

Dear GOD,
I read the Bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me.
Love, Alison

Dear GOD,
Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?
-Julia

Dear GOD,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the
house?
-Magda

Dear GOD,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
-Christina

Dear GOD,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just
keep the ones You have now?
-Patrick

Dear GOD,
Who draws the lines around the countries?
-Heather

Dear GOD,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
-Neil

Dear GOD,
What does it mean You are a jealous God? I thought You had everything.
-Jane

Dear GOD,
Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did,
then I'm going to fix my brother.
-Nicky

Dear GOD,
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
-Nikita

Dear GOD,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said bad things that
people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway.
Your friend -- (But I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear GOD,
Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of
rest.
-Kevin J.

Dear GOD,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up.
-Bruce

Dear GOD,
If we come back as something - please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because
I hate her.
-Denise

Dear GOD,
If You give me a genie lamp like Aladdin, I will give you anything you want,
except my money or my chess set.
-Raphael

Dear GOD,
My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha.
-Danny

Dear GOD,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own
rooms. It works with my brother.
-Alex

Dear GOD,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all
over.
-Sam

Dear GOD,
You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways.
-Dean

Dear GOD,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
-Ruth M.

Dear GOD,
I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying.
-Elliott

Dear GOD,
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world.
There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
-Nefrateri

Dear GOD,
Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best.
-Joe

Dear GOD,
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just
kidding, aren't they?
-Keisha

Dear GOD,
If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
-Helena

Dear GOD,
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible.
Love, Alex

Dear GOD,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in church they said You did it. So I bet
he stoled your idea.
-Sincerely, Rachel

Dear GOD:
The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool." But
he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do.
-Lisa

Dear GOD,
I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know
but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already.
-Charles

Dear GOD,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on
Tuesday. That was cool!
-Nick