Definitions of A Diplomat

1.  Always knows what to talk about, but doesn't always talk about what he knows.
   
2. Always tries to settle problems created by other diplomats.
   
3. Can always make himself misunderstood.
   
4. Can bring home the bacon without spilling the beans.
   
5. Can convince his wife not to hide her nice body under a floor-length sable.
   
6. Can convince his wife to show off her new coat in a bus rather than in a taxi.
   
7. Can juggle a hot potato long enough for it to become a cold issue.
   
8. Can keep his shirt on while getting something off his chest.
   
9. Can look happy when he has unexpected dinner guests.
   
10. Can make his wife believe she will look fat in a mink coat.
    
11. Can make nothing sound like something.
    
12. Can put his best foot forward when he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
    
13. Can put his foot down without stepping on someone's toes.
    
14. Can say the nastiest things in the nicest way.
    
15. Can tell a man he's open-minded when he means he has a hole in his head.
    
16. Can tell you to go to hell so tactfully that you look forward to the trip.
    
17. Comes right out and says what he thinks when he agrees with you.
    
18. Divides his time between running for office and running for cover.
    
19. Has a straightforward way of dodging issues.
    
20. Knows how far to go before he goes too far.
    
21. Lets you do all the talking while he gets what he wants.
    
22. Never tells a woman how nice she looks in a gown. He tells her how nice the gown looks on her.
    
23. Puts his cards on the table, but still has some up each sleeve.
    
24. Straddles an issue whenever he isn't dodging one.
    
25. Will approach every question with an open mouth.
    
26. Will lay down your life for his country.
    
27. Will refuse to answer any question on the ground it might eliminate him.
    

Czech man and soviet agent

Back in the unhappy days when Czechoslovakia was under Soviet
domination, a valiant freedom fighter was wandering through the
countryside, trying to evade a Soviet agent, who was in hot pursuit,
found himself near an old castle, and went inside for refuge.

Soon he found that the Soviet agent had followed him into the castle so
our hero slipped into the nearest hiding-place, which was a medieval
armor. He remained there, very still, until the Soviet gave up in
disgust, and left him free to continue working for the liberation of his
native land.

Why didn't the Soviet agent think to look inside the armor?

"Very simple,... As a well-trained Marxist, he would never consider any
capitalistic lie as that there was a Czech in the mail."

* Czech = sounds like cheque
Mail = kind of medieval armor

Excuse me....

A Journalist has to write a story on the lack of meat in Poland. So
he goes off to Poland and asks the people: "Excuse me, what do you
think of the lack of meat in Poland?"

All the Poles reply: "Meat? What is meat?"

Seeing he cannot get an answer in Poland he goes to the USSR and
asks the Soviets: "Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat
in Poland?"

All the Soviets reply: "Think? What is think?"

Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USSR he goes to the USA and
asks the Americans: "Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of
meat in Poland?"

All the Americans reply: "Lack? What is lack?"

Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USA he decides to go to
Israel, and asks the Israelis: "Excuse me, what do you think of the
lack of meat in Poland?"

To which all the Israelis reply: "Excuse me? What is excuse me?"

General Custer's last thoughts

The curator of an art gallery asked an artist for a painting depicting General Custer's last thoughts.

Two weeks later, the artist unveiled the painting, an enormous canvas with a lovely blue lake painted in its center, with a fish leaping from the water with a shining halo around its head. On the shores of the lake were the most detailed pictures of Indians fornicating.

After gaping at the painting for some time, the enraged curator demanded to know what the theme was supposed to be.

The artist said, "You asked for a painting of Custer's last thoughts," he explained. "That's it. Custer was thinking, 'Holy mackerel, where did all those fucking Indians come from?'"

Who's the best?

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!

Clinton's Pig

President Clinton arrived in D.C. after a trip to his
home state of Arkansas.
He stepped out of the plane carrying two pigs, one under
each arm. When he reached the bottom of the stairs the
Marine guard sharply saluted him as usual.

Clinton spoke, "I'd like to salute you back son,
but as you can see my hands are full."
Marine responded, "Yes Sir! Mighty fine pigs Sir!"

"These aren't just ordinary pigs Marine,
they're pure Arkansas Razorbacks!"
"Yes Sir! Mighty fine Razorbacks Sir!"

"I got this one for Hillary, and this one for Chelsea,"
"Yes Sir! Good trade Sir!"

Who said that?

It was the first day of school in marietta, georgia, and a
new student named suzuki, the son of a japanese businessman,
entered the fourth grade.

the teacher said, "let's begin by reviewing some american
history. who said 'give me liberty, or give me death?'"

she saw a sea of blank faces, except for suzuki, who had his
hand up. "patrick henry, 1775," he said.

"very good! who said 'government of the people, by the people,
for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? again,
no response except from suzuki.
"abraham lincoln, 1863.", said suzuki.

the teacher snapped at the class, "class, you should be
ashamed. suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about
its history than you do." he heard a loud whisper:
"f*** the japs."

"who said that?" she demanded. suzuki put his hand up.
"lee iacocca, 1982." at that point, a student in the back
said, "i'm gonna puke."

the teacher glares and asks "all right! now, who said that?"
again, suzuki says, "george bush to the japanese prime
minister, 1991."

now furious, another student yells, "oh yeah? suck this!"
suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to
the teacher: "bill clinton, to monica lewinsky, 1997!"

now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "you little s***.
if you say anything else, i'll kill you." suzuki frantically
yells at the top of his voice, "gary condit to chandra
levy 2001."

the teacher fainted. and as the class gathered around the
teacher on the floor, someone said, "oh s***, we're f*****."

suzuki said, "the taliban! 2001"