A Dog Named "Sex"

Usually everyone who has a dog would call the dog Rover or something. I call mine "Sex". Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew HOW embarrassing until one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I was looking for Sex."

My court case comes up next Thursday.

One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too!" When I said "But this is a dog," he said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was two years old."

He replied, "You must have been a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex."

He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.

My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for Sex. Then I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night", and the clerk said,"Me too."

One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said, "Show off!" I told him it was a contest, and he told me I should have sold tickets.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married" and the Judge said, "Me too."

When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said, "Me too."

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"

I replied, "Well, Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and it's so lonely."

The doctor said, "Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?"

A Suicidal Heretic

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"
"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."

"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."

"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

A Persistent Snail

A man hears a knock at his door, opens it but doesn't see anyone.

He glances down, sees a snail there and being the conscientious gardener he is, tosses the snail across the road, into a field, away from his property.

Ten years go by, and one day the man hears a knock at the door, but once again, doesn't find anyone there when he answers.

He looks down, sees a snail there.

The snail looks up at him, and in a tiny voice demands,
"WHAT WAS THAT FOR?"

Blaming The Others

We yanks just love to pass the blame. What other country can boast of 3 lawyers for every citizen. We come up with the best reasons to blame others for our own problems. Here's a small list...

If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she's holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.

If your teen-age son kills himself or then next door neighbors, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.

I guess I'll just never understand the world as it is anymore...
So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer while sending you this joke - I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?

Real Flight Announcements

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety
lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of
this airplane..."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to
switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please
stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk
on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone
voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight
attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the
overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell
everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to
YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to
operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event
of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling.
Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small
child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you
are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll
try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves
you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of
the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on
this flight...!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City:
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I
know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's
fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants'
fault.....it was the asphalt!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you
to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and
the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll
open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you
folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go
blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of
us here at US Airways."

Psychology Student

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at
the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes
over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted
with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep
with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he
slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She
smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm
a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond
to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean,
$200?!?!"

Liver and Cheese

A black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy were eying a hot chick from across a bar.

She notices them looking at her, so she walks up to them.

She says, " I want a man that's smart. Use the words LIVER and CHEESE in one sentence. "

The black guy goes " I love to eat liver and cheese. "

The white guy goes " I like to cook liver and cheese. "

The Mexican guy goes up to the girl and tells the guys " liver alone, cheese mine!!"

No Honey for a Week

One day, a little boy, was outside in the backyard stomping on honeybees.

When his father came out and saw what the little boy was doing, he made
him stop right away and told the little boy, "That's it for you. No
honey for a week."

Well, then the little boy went to the front yard of the house and
started stomping on butterflies. When his father saw what Teddy was
doing, he made him stop right away and said, "Stomping on butterflies is
a terrible thing to do. Just for that, no butter for a week."

After that, little boy and his father went into the kitchen and saw the
little boy's mother stomping on cockroaches.

The little boy turned to his father and said, "Should I tell her or
should you?"