The Jokesland

Marriage Quotes by Men

2009-02-27T23:40:00.000+07:00

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..'

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Sunday School Lesson

2009-02-27T23:28:00.002+07:00

Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me Janice, who created the universe?" When Janice didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good" and Janice fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Janice, "Who is our Lord and Saviour." But, Janice didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good", and Janice fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Janice jumped up and shouted, "If you stick me with that thing one more time, I'll break it in half and stick it in your ass!"

Trick Question

2009-02-27T23:22:00.001+07:00

A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.

"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."

"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."

"That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will'".

"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"

Female vs Male Friendships

2009-02-27T23:12:00.000+07:00

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

Materialistic Lawyer

2009-01-27T22:21:00.000+07:00

A very successful lawyer parks his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he gets out, a truck passes too closely and completely rips off the door on the driver's side.

The lawyer immediately grabs his cell phone, dials 911, and within minutes a policeman pulls up. Before the officer has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically that his Lexus, which he had just bought the day before, is now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally calms down a bit, the officer shakes his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he says. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asks the lawyer.

The cop replies, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screams the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?!"

The Lawyer's Funeral

2009-01-27T22:04:00.000+07:00

A man reluctantly attends his laywer's funeral expecting to be one of the only people there, and is surprised to see a huge turnout for this one terrible man. He turns to the people around him.

“Why are you all at this lawyer's funeral?” he asks.

A man turns towards him and says, “We''re all clients.”

“And you ALL came to pay your respects?”

“No, we came to make sure he was really dead.”

Message From Management

2009-01-27T22:00:00.001+07:00

TO: All Employees
RE: Swearing at work

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have
been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

A Dog Named "Sex"

2009-01-20T19:40:00.001+07:00

Usually everyone who has a dog would call the dog Rover or something. I call mine "Sex". Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew HOW embarrassing until one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I was looking for Sex."

My court case comes up next Thursday.

One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too!" When I said "But this is a dog," he said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was two years old."

He replied, "You must have been a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex."

He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.

My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for Sex. Then I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night", and the clerk said,"Me too."

One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said, "Show off!" I told him it was a contest, and he told me I should have sold tickets.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married" and the Judge said, "Me too."

When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said, "Me too."

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"

I replied, "Well, Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and it's so lonely."

The doctor said, "Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?"

A Suicidal Heretic

2009-01-20T19:38:00.000+07:00

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"
"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."

"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."

"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

A Persistent Snail

2009-01-20T19:36:00.000+07:00

A man hears a knock at his door, opens it but doesn't see anyone.

He glances down, sees a snail there and being the conscientious gardener he is, tosses the snail across the road, into a field, away from his property.

Ten years go by, and one day the man hears a knock at the door, but once again, doesn't find anyone there when he answers.

He looks down, sees a snail there.

The snail looks up at him, and in a tiny voice demands,
"WHAT WAS THAT FOR?"

Blaming The Others

2009-01-20T19:34:00.000+07:00

We yanks just love to pass the blame. What other country can boast of 3 lawyers for every citizen. We come up with the best reasons to blame others for our own problems. Here's a small list...

If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she's holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.

If your teen-age son kills himself or then next door neighbors, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.

I guess I'll just never understand the world as it is anymore...
So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer while sending you this joke - I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?

Real Flight Announcements

2009-01-17T11:17:00.000+07:00

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety
lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of
this airplane..."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to
switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please
stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk
on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone
voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight
attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the
overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell
everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to
YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to
operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event
of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling.
Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small
child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you
are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll
try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves
you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of
the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on
this flight...!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City:
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I
know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's
fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants'
fault.....it was the asphalt!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you
to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and
the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll
open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you
folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go
blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of
us here at US Airways."

Psychology Student

2009-01-09T21:51:00.000+07:00

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at
the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes
over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted
with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep
with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he
slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She
smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm
a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond
to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean,
$200?!?!"

Liver and Cheese

2009-01-09T21:24:00.000+07:00

A black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy were eying a hot chick from across a bar.

She notices them looking at her, so she walks up to them.

She says, " I want a man that's smart. Use the words LIVER and CHEESE in one sentence. "

The black guy goes " I love to eat liver and cheese. "

The white guy goes " I like to cook liver and cheese. "

The Mexican guy goes up to the girl and tells the guys " liver alone, cheese mine!!"

No Honey for a Week

2009-01-09T21:19:00.000+07:00

One day, a little boy, was outside in the backyard stomping on honeybees.

When his father came out and saw what the little boy was doing, he made
him stop right away and told the little boy, "That's it for you. No
honey for a week."

Well, then the little boy went to the front yard of the house and
started stomping on butterflies. When his father saw what Teddy was
doing, he made him stop right away and said, "Stomping on butterflies is
a terrible thing to do. Just for that, no butter for a week."

After that, little boy and his father went into the kitchen and saw the
little boy's mother stomping on cockroaches.

The little boy turned to his father and said, "Should I tell her or
should you?"

Native Wisdom

2009-01-03T02:05:00.001+07:00

A salesman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when he sees a Navajo man hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Navajo man climbs in.

During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.

"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the salesman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."

The Navajo man is silent for awhile, nods several times and says, "Good trade."

Two Zebras Pondering

2009-01-03T01:57:00.001+07:00

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?"
The other replies, "Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask him."
So that night he did and God replied, "You are what you are."

The next day he said to the other zebra,
"I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are what you are."
The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."

The Ten Commandments

2009-01-03T01:42:00.002+07:00

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.

The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"

And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."

"Can you give us an example?"

"Thou shall not kill."

"Not kill?
We're not interested."

So He went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,

"Honor thy Father and Mother."

"Father? We don't know who our fathers are."
We're not interested.

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said

"Thou shall not steal."

"Not steal?
We're not interested."

Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said,

"Thou shall not commit adultery."

"Not commit adultery?
We're not interested."

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" They said,

"How much are they?"
"They're free."
"Free? We'll take 10."

NASA And The Navajo

2009-01-03T01:38:00.002+07:00

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, it did some astronaut training near a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. What are these guys in the big suits doing?
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. They then took the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the message said,
Watch out for these guys. They have come to steal your land.

Fluctuations

2009-01-03T01:34:00.001+07:00

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went
to the currency exchange window at the local bank

Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying
to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated.

He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla
fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations" .

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"

Divorce Court

2009-01-03T01:28:00.000+07:00

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

How Big Is Wal-Mart?

2009-01-03T01:24:00.001+07:00

1 .
At Wal-Mart,
Americans spend $36,000,000 every hour
Of every day.

2 .
This works out to $20,928 profit
Every minute!

3.
Wal-Mart will sell more
From January 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March 17th)
Than Target sells all year.

4.
Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot +
Kroger + Target + Sears + Costco +
K-Mart combined.

5.
Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people
And is the largest private employer. And most can't speak English

6.
Wal-Mart is the largest company
In the history of the World.

7.
Wal-Mart now sells more food
Than Kroger & Safeway combined,
And keep in mind they did this
In only 15 years.

8.
During this same period,
31 Supermarket chains sought bankruptcy
(including Winn-Dixie).

9.
Wal-Mart now sells more food
Than any other store in the world.

10.
Wal-Mart has approx 3,900 stores
In the USA of which 1,906 are SuperCenters;
This is 1,000 more than it had 5 years ago.

11.
This year, 7.2 billion different
Purchasing experiences will occur
At a Wal-Mart store.
(Earth's population is approximately 6.5 billion.)

12.
90% of all Americans live
Within 15 miles of a Wal-Mart

13
Let Wal-Mart bail out Wall Street

New Indian Student

2009-01-03T01:18:00.001+07:00

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of b lank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good!'

Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'Screw the Indians,'

'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.

'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'

Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!'

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was the American people, November 4th, 2008".

Proof Jesus was....

2009-01-03T01:13:00.000+07:00

...Jewish:

1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

...Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job.
3. His last request was a drink.

...Puerto Rican:

1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was always in trouble with the law.
3. His mother did not know who his father was.

...Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

...Black:

1. He called everybody brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

...Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But the most compelling evidence of all - proof that Jesus was a WOMAN:

1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2 . He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do.

Quick Thinking Boy

2009-01-01T22:06:00.000+07:00

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a market. A man came in
and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold
whole heads of lettuce. But the man said that he did not need a whole head, only
a half.

The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager. So he walked into the
back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a
head of lettuce."

As he said it, he turned to find the man standing right behind him. Realizing
he had been overheard, the boy quickly added, "and this gentleman wants to buy
the other half."

The manager okayed the request, and the man went on his way. Later, the
manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier,
but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your
feet, and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir".

"Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota," asked the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just hookers and hockey players up there."

"My wife is from Minnesota!"

The boy replied, "Oh Really! What team did she play for?"

Daughter's Prayer

2008-12-31T21:21:00.001+07:00

A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to
her six- year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?
" I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the woman said.

Her daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite
all these people to dinner?''

A Wise Old Man

2008-12-31T21:19:00.000+07:00

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high
school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.
Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of
youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on
every trashcan they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after
day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they
banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of
fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do
the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a
dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a
sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my
income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to
beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and
continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached
them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not
going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A freaking' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to
waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way,
dude. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his
days.

CEO's Message

2008-12-30T23:09:00.001+07:00

A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.

"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can handle," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and tookout the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the board, the press, and Wall Street responded positively, sales picked up, stockprices rose and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip insales, combined with serious problems getting new product to market. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO wasted no time inopening the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and again the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The simple message said, "Prepare three envelopes..."

Little Johnny

2008-12-30T22:56:00.001+07:00

TEACHER: "Johnny, use defeat, deduct, defense, and detail in one sentence."

JOHNNY: "De-feet of DE-duck went over De-fence before De-tail."

Definitions of A Diplomat

2008-12-30T22:50:00.002+07:00

Always knows what to talk about, but doesn't always talk about what he knows.
Always tries to settle problems created by other diplomats.
Can always make himself misunderstood.
Can bring home the bacon without spilling the beans.
Can convince his wife not to hide her nice body under a floor-length sable.
Can convince his wife to show off her new coat in a bus rather than in a taxi.
Can juggle a hot potato long enough for it to become a cold issue.
Can keep his shirt on while getting something off his chest.
Can look happy when he has unexpected dinner guests.
Can make his wife believe she will look fat in a mink coat.
Can make nothing sound like something.
Can put his best foot forward when he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
Can put his foot down without stepping on someone's toes.
Can say the nastiest things in the nicest way.
Can tell a man he's open-minded when he means he has a hole in his head.
Can tell you to go to hell so tactfully that you look forward to the trip.
Comes right out and says what he thinks when he agrees with you.
Divides his time between running for office and running for cover.
Has a straightforward way of dodging issues.
Knows how far to go before he goes too far.
Lets you do all the talking while he gets what he wants.
Never tells a woman how nice she looks in a gown. He tells her how nice the gown looks on her.
Puts his cards on the table, but still has some up each sleeve.
Straddles an issue whenever he isn't dodging one.
Will approach every question with an open mouth.
Will lay down your life for his country.
Will refuse to answer any question on the ground it might eliminate him.

Son's Future Career

2008-12-30T22:43:00.000+07:00

An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career, so they decided to do a small test.

They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table... then they hid, pretending they were not at home.

The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."

So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left.

Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.

After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it.

Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality ...then he left for his room, carrying all three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined.. " "Our son is going to be a politician!"

Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?

2008-12-30T22:41:00.000+07:00

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the Fathers noticed she was gaining a little weight.

"Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?", he asked.

"Oh no, Father. Just a little gas." Sister Susan explained, matter-of-factly.

A month or so later the Father noticed that she had gained even more weight.

"Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?", he asked again.

"Oh no, Father. Just a little gas." She replied again.

A few months later the Father noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage in the convent.

He leaned over and looked in the carraige and said - "What a cute little fart!"

Three Student's Competition

2008-12-27T17:48:00.002+07:00

An Engineering Student, a Physics Student, and a Mathematics student were each given $150 dollars and were told to use that money to find out exactly how tall a particular hotel was. All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this.

The physics student went out, purchased some stopwatches, a number of ball
bearings, a calculator, and some friends. He had them all time the drop of ball
bearings from the roof, and he then figured out the height from the time it took
for the bearings to accelerate from rest until they impacted with the sidewalk.

The math student waited until the sun was going down, then she took out her
protractor, plumb line, measuring tape, and scratch pad, measured the length of
the shadow, found the angle the buildings roof made from the ground, and used
trigonometry to figure out the height of the building.

Of course, with all that was involved in getting this experiment done, they
were up plenty late studying for other courses' exams. These two students bumped
into the engineering student the next day, which looked quite refreshed. When
asked what he did to find the height of the building he replied:
"Well, I walked up to the bell hop, gave him 10 bucks, asked him how tall the
hotel was, and went inside for happy hour!"

Exxon - Mobil Deal

2008-12-27T17:26:00.001+07:00

In the wake of the Exxon - Mobil deal and the AOL - Netscape deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

2. PolyGram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.

3. 3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.

4. John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.

5. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.

6. Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home.

7. Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine, All Mine.

8. Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization for Women merge to become Knott NOW.

Office Prayer

2008-12-27T17:24:00.002+07:00

God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. Also, help me to be
careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Amazing Results of Statistics

2008-12-26T00:39:00.001+07:00

1. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed.
2. All polar bears are left-handed.
3. If your car is stolen, there's a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar bear.

1. 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles.
2. 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles.
3. Work stuffs up your eyesight.

1. All dogs are animals.
2. All cats are animals.
3. Therefore, all dogs are cats.

1. A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second.
2. Ten babies are conceived around the world every second.
3. Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of becoming pregnant.

Interview Techniques

2008-12-25T22:26:00.000+07:00

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position
as chief executive officer of a large corporation.
The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions,
ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a
series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and
announcing, "Four."

The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before
answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a
great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of
Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four."

The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end
of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in
the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the
telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"

Psychiatric Hotline

2008-12-25T22:24:00.001+07:00

Hello, welcome to the psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple
personalities, please press 3, 4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want, so
please stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little
voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal-retentive, please hold.

A Code Of Ethical Behavior For Patients

2008-12-25T00:17:00.000+07:00

Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort. Involvement with the
patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.

Be cheerful at all times. Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and
requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.

Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated. Remember that
your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.

Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief. You must believe that
your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness,
which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.

Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it. It is
presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms
that you would understand.

Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly. You should consider it a
privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians,
health care managers and other humanitarians.

Do not suffer from ailments not covered by your health care plan. It is a
waste of resources to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.

Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of
treatment by your doctor. The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one
and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.

Never die while in your doctor's presence or under his direct care. This will
only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.

I can't believe you are telling me this

2008-11-26T20:59:00.001+07:00

Two Jewish men, Moses and Jacob, are talking to one other. Moses says to
Jacob: "Jacob, you won't believe this. I send my son to Israel to study. And he
comes back a Christian!"

Jacob replies, "Moses, Moses! I can't believe you are telling me this! Not one
year ago, I send my son to the Holy Land to study...and he too comes back a
Christian! What shall we do?"

The two men decide to ask their beloved Rabbi. "Rabbi, Rabbi! We send our sons
to Israel--the Holy Land--to study. And they come back Christian! We don't know
what to do. Can you help us?"

Christian! I mean, I'm a Rabbi, how do you think I feel? It's so embarrassing."

With no other alternative, the three men turn to God. Moses, Jacob, and the
Rabbi go outside. They each light a candle, and join hands in prayer.

The Rabbi speaks: "God, we come to you for help. We send our sons to the Holy
Land to study; to become learned men and do your work. And they come back
Christians! We do not know what to do."

Suddenly, a gust of wind comes and blows out the candles. The sky darkens, and
the clouds open up to the heavens. A big, booming voice echoes down upon the
three men......"I can't believe you are telling me this, the same thing happened
to ME!"

The Pope's Surprise

2008-11-26T20:53:00.000+07:00

"Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries
which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there
perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and
the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the
dimming of memories over time."

St. Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained
how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to
review the history of humanity's relationship with God.

Two years later, a scream of anguish pierced the quiet of the library.
Immediately several of the saints and angels came running.

They found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over
and over: "There's an 'R'. There's an 'R.' There's an 'R'... It's CELIBRATE, not
celibate!"

Heaven's Entrance Exam

2008-11-26T20:49:00.000+07:00

A Christian, a Muslim and a Buddhist die and arrive at the Gate of Heaven. An
angel (or diva) stops them and asks, "Why do you come here? Can you tell me the
reasons why you are allowed to enter Heaven?"

The Christian replies, "My ancestors disobeyed God, and I sinned all my life:
I killed, I lied, I cheated my wife and I was greedy. However, Jesus died for me
and all my sins are forgiven. So I deserved to enter Heaven."

"OK," replies the Angel. "Sounds good, but I must give you an entrance
examination before you can enter." The Christian promptly agrees and the Angel
asks him: "How do you spell God?" It is an easy question, and the Christian
passes through the Gate.

Next came the Muslim, who says, "I had not done any good or evil things during
my life but I was very devout. I prayed to God five times a day. So, I too
should enter Heaven." The Angel replies, "It sounds OK to me, but I have to give
you a test also. How do you spell Allah?" The Muslim passed the test.

Finally, it is the Buddhist's turn, who tells the Angel, "I had done all the
good things in my life and I followed Buddha's five precepts: I never killed, I
donated to charities, I meditated every day, and I never cheated my boss or my
customers." The Angel replies, "That is very good, but there are no exceptions.
You must pass the entrance test also in order to get in." Thinking that the test
should be simple, he agrees to take the test.

The Angel then asks him: "How to spell Avalokitesvara Bodhisattva?"

Why are you eating grass?

2008-10-07T22:27:00.000+07:00

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine
when he saw two men eating grass by the road side.
He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car
as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"

Five Minutes Management Lessons

2008-09-25T18:20:00.003+07:00

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower,
when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT LESSON

Twenty Management Styles

2008-09-22T23:29:00.000+07:00

1) MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THAN THE EMPLOYEES
These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner.

2) MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW
These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their thoughts keep staring out of the windows.

3) MANAGING BY POST-ITS
Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their 'busy'ness by continuously writing on Post-Its while you are talking.

4) MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY
These managers just delegate everything to the secretary.

5) MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING
These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with irrelevant anecdotes.

6) MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING
These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies them. They will always have something to talk about.

7) MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION
Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all.

8) MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS
These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they have more work to do.

9) MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS
In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so on.

10) MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS
If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your carreer anymore.

11) MANAGING BY STUDYING
Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn, the further they get from the practice.

12) MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS
Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows,boxes or circles? These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance.

13) MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM
This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers are.

14) MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS
This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes.

15) MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE
In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the organization from having a better infrastructure.

16) BUA MANAGEMENT ( BY USING ABBREVIATIONS )
This management style is ATRASACWOC ( Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication ).

17) MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS
These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined, terms.

18) MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION
If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize.

19) MANAGING BY BELIEVING
These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all.

20) MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES
If you remind them to one of their promises, the priority of that promise is too low to remember.

Performance Terms

2008-09-22T23:23:00.001+07:00

Average Employee - Not too bright

Exceptionally Well Qualified - Made no major blunders yet

Work Is First Priority - Too ugly to get a date

Active Socially - Drinks a lot

Family Is Active Socially - Spouse drinks, too

Independent Worker - Nobody knows what he/she does

Quick Thinking - Offers plausible excuses

Careful Thinker - Won't make a decision

Aggressive - Obnoxious

Good Communication Skills - Spends lots of time on phone

Uses Logic On Difficult Jobs - Gets someone else to do it

Expresses Themselves Well - Speaks English

Meticulous Attention To Detail - A nit picker

Has Leadership Qualities - Is tall or has a loud voice

Exceptionally Good Judgment - Lucky

Keen Sense Of Humor - Knows a lot of dirty jokes

Career Minded - Back Stabber

Loyal - Can't get a job anywhere else

Rejected Hallmark Cards

2008-09-22T21:26:00.000+07:00

"Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder:...
-- What was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day!...
-- Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful you....
-- have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love...
-- After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...
-- I never believed in Hell until I met you."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
-- that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me...
-- Like the need for therapy."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!...
-- I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Before you go,...
I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
-- You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married...
-- but not to you."

"You look great for your age...
-- Almost Lifelike!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me...
-- Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend...
-- So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time...
-- What do you say we call it quits?"

"I'm so miserable without you...
-- It's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
-- Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was
only one life jacket...
-- I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

Job Placement

2008-09-22T21:18:00.000+07:00

Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to
jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room
with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any
instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Accounting.

If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel are a good spot for them.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

And if they've left early, put them in Sales.

Virus Warning

2008-09-22T21:12:00.000+07:00

There is a new virus going around, called 'work'. If you receive any sort of
'work' at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a
colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.

Work has been circulating around our building for months and those who have
been tempted to open 'work' or even look at 'work' have found that their social
life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.

If you do encounter 'work' via email or are faced with any 'work' at all, then
to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words 'Sorry...I'm off
to the pub'. The 'work' should automatically be deleted from your brain.

If you receive 'work' in paper-document form, simply lift the document and
drag the 'work' to your garbage can. Put on your coat and skip to the nearest
bar with two friends and order three pints of beer.

After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that 'work' will no longer
be of any relevance to you.

Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do not have anyone
in your address book, then I'm afraid the 'work' virus has already corrupted
your life.

Advertising Campaign Gone Bad

2008-09-22T21:08:00.000+07:00

1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted
them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the
Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"

2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as
"Suffer from diarrhea".

3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an
American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux".

4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to
find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the
manure stick".

5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same
packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned
that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside,
since many people can't read.

6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a
notorious porno magazine.

7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market
which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the
shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).

10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender
chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a
chicken affectionate".

11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed
to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the
company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so
the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant".

Company Policy

2008-09-22T20:45:00.000+07:00

Start with a cage containing five apes.

In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long,
an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as
he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while,
another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed
with cold water. This continues through several more attempts.

Pretty soon, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes all
try to prevent it. Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one ape from the cage
and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb
the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another
attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be
assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one.
The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes
part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original ape with
a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of
the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb
the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes, which have
been sprayed with cold water, have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever
again approaches the stairs. Why not? Because that's the way they've always done
it and that's the way it's always been around here.

And that's how company policy begins....

Pope and the Jewish Community

2008-09-21T23:21:00.002+07:00

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, “I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. “What happened?" they asked. “Well," said Moishe, “First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

“Yes, yes, and then???" asked the crowd.

“I don't know," said Moishe, " He took out his lunch, and I took out mine."

African Roulette

2008-09-21T23:09:00.000+07:00

The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador.

For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.

On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."

This fazed the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers. CLICK-CLICK Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.

The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette". So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women.

The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a blowjob - take your pick."

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"

With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered: "One of them is a cannibal."

British or Americans

2008-09-21T23:06:00.000+07:00

A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the

(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.

(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.

(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans

(E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills
you.

Book of Elephants

2008-09-21T22:44:00.000+07:00

Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:

The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant.

The English book - Elephants I have shot on Safari.

The Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.

The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants.

The Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants.

The Greek book - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money.

The Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People.

The German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.

The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant.

The Swiss book - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants.

The Canadian book - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?

The Swedish book - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.

Memorable Events

2008-09-21T22:36:00.001+07:00

A reporter goes way up into the hills of West Virginia to write an article about the area. He meets an old man in a small town and asks him about any memorable events in his life.

The old man says, "Well, one time my favorite sheep got lost, so me and my neighbors got some moonshine and went looking for it. We looked and looked and finally found the sheep. Then we drank the moonshine and one by one, started shagging the sheep. It was a lot of fun!"

The reporter figured he can't write an article about that, so he asked the old man to tell him another story.

The old man said, "Well, one time my neighbor's wife got lost, so me and all the village men got some moonshine and went out looking for her. We looked and looked and finally we found her. Then we drank the moonshine and one by one, started shagging the neighbor's wife. Now, THAT was a lot of fun!"

The reporter, feeling frustrated, finally told the old man that he couldn't write articles about those stories and asked him if he had any dramatic or sad memories that he could talk about.

The old man paused a little and with a sad expression on his face said -
"Well, one time I was lost ..."

Work vs Prison

2008-09-21T22:32:00.000+07:00

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own room.
At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.

Signs Everywhere

2008-09-21T22:25:00.001+07:00

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."

On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"

On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."

On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."

At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"

In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."

On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"

On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)

On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."

Actual Doctor's Notes

2008-09-21T22:21:00.000+07:00

These are doctors' notes on patients' charts: (Actual notes- unedited!)

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband,I thought you might like to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.(Ouch!)
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her adult life, until she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other
abnormalities.

The American and the Frenchman

2008-09-21T22:17:00.000+07:00

An American, wearing Bermuda shorts, T-shirt, and a baseball cap, walks into a
café, chewing on gum. He sits next to this French guy who is trying to enjoy his
breakfast and is not in the mood for small talk.

The American, aware of the Frenchman's mood, tries to be smart. He sees the
man eating a roll with jelly and decides to remark on that.
"You French people eat the entire roll of bread?!" he says in an astonished tone.
"Yes," replies the Frenchman and resumes eating.
"Not us," says the American. "We only eat the inside and then throw the crust
in a container, process it and sell it to the French as croissants."
The Frenchman calmly ignores him and continues to eat.
"Eww..." says the American, "You eat your bread with that jelly?"
"Yes," says the Frenchman.
"Not us," says the American, "We only eat fresh fruits. Then we throw the peal
in a container, process it and sell it to the French as jelly."
"Really?" says the Frenchman, "And what do you do with your used condoms?"
Taken aback, the American says, "Uhh... we just throw them away."
"Not us," said the Frenchman, "We throw them in a container, process them, and
sell it as gum to the Americans."

Glossary of Medical Terms

2008-09-21T22:14:00.002+07:00

Benign................What you be after you be eight.
Artery................The study of paintings.
Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria.
Barium................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome.
Cat scan...............Searching for kitty.
Cauterize.............Made eye contact with her.
Colic.................A sheep dog.
Coma..................A punctuation mark.
D & C.................Where Washington is.
Dilate................To live long.
Enema.................Not a friend.
Fester................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula................A small lie.
Genital...............Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series...........World Series of military
baseball.
Hangnail..............What you hang your coat on.
Impotent..............Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain............Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane.
Morbid................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates..............Cheaper than day rates.
Node..................Was aware of
Outpatient.... .......A person who has fainted.
Pap smear..... .......A fatherhood test.
Pelvis................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.........Place to do upholstery.
Rectum................Darn near killed him.
Secretion.............Hiding something.
Seizure...............Roman emperor.
Tablet................A small table.
Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the Bus Station
Tumor.................More than one.
Urine.................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose..............Near by/close by.
Vein..................Conceited.

Idiots of the World, Unite!

2008-09-05T19:12:00.001+07:00

HANDS-DOWN WINNER OF THE IDIOT CORPORATION AWARD!
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
(Let that be a lesson to him!)

WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.
(No one ever said you had to be "smart" to be a cop.)

NOW THIS SOUNDS LIKE IT WAS PLANNED OUT WELL...NOT!
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.
(Maybe he should have pretended to have a brain!)

WHEN YOU THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY...READ THIS
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year, "said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."
(...hmmm, could this be the Illinois guy?)

NOW THIS IS WHAT I CONSIDER A DEDICATED CROOK!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
(Wonder if he paid himself time and 1/2 for the overtime?)

I WANNA BE A BRAIN SURGEON WHEN I GROW UP!
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.
(After his hospital stay, he was immediately enrolled in law school!)

FOOT IN MOUTH...UP TO THE KNEE!
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
(Turns out, the witness was Blonde and didn't pick him!)

NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
(Banks should keep Monopoly money on hand for these bright crooks.)

Oral Sex Trained Frog

2008-09-05T19:06:00.001+07:00

An attractive woman entered a pet shop. When the clerk offered assistance, she explained that she was recently divorced, and was looking for a small-ish dog for company.

The clerk explained that the name of the store was 'Exotic Pets' and that, unfortunately, they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any commonplace pets.

He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal. He took the woman into a back room. He walked over to a terrarium, and pointed proudly to a large bullfrog which sat inside it.

"Would that suit your needs?" he asked.

The woman answered, scornfully, that she hardly thought an amphibian would be a suitable companion.

"Ah," replied the salesman, leering, "but this 'amphibian' has been carefully trained ... to perform oral sex upon women."

At this the woman's eyes lit up.She eagerly negotiated a price of $500 for the frog, and left with it in her expectant possession. Arriving home, she drew a bubble bath, poured a glass of champagne and relaxed in anticipation. When she was thoroughly mellow, she dried herself, and arranged herself, nude, upon her bed. Parting her thighs, she placed the frog between them, closed her eyes, and waited.

Nothing happened. She prodded the frog. Still nothing. She moved it Up further toward her body. Nothing. She ordered it to perform. No response.

After an hour of this frustration, she lifted the phone, and called the pet shop. When the clerk answered, she complained loudly that she had been cheated. The clerk apologized profusely, wrote down her address, and said he'd be right over.

Ten minutes later, he knocked on the door, and the woman answered, wearing a nightgown. He asked her to demonstrate the problem. She obliged, by disrobing and assuming her former position, with the frog in place. The frog made no movement.

"You see?" she asked, petulantly.
"Yes, I do," said the man.
Then, addressing the frog as he removed his necktie and shirt, he said, "Now, I'm only going to show you this one more time..."

People in Heaven

2008-09-05T19:04:00.000+07:00

A man dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter asks him what religion he belongs to. The man tells him and Saint Peter says "oh, we have a lot of your kind here. In fact, we have a special room for all of you so you can all be together!"

He leads the man down a long hallway with doors on either side.

They pass one door and they hear a bunch of yelling and hollering inside.
"Who's in that room?" the man asks. "Oh, those are the holy rollers,"
says Saint Peter. "They make a lot of noise but they're pretty harmless".

They pass by another door which is nearly shaking off its hinges.
"Who's in there?" the man asks.
"That's the room for the Shakers" replies Saint Peter.

Then they approach another door. Saint Peter whispers to the man, "we must be very quiet going past this door. Don't make a sound."

They tiptoe past the door and when they get farther down the hallway the man asks Saint Peter who was in that room.

"Oh, those are the Catholics.
They think they're the only ones up here!"

The Geography of a Woman And Man

2008-09-05T19:00:00.002+07:00

The Geography of a Woman

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan.
Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.

*dick = sounds like dict (ator)

International Travellers Bloopers

2008-09-05T18:57:00.000+07:00

1. On a French passenger jet: Live West Under Your Seat.

2. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

3. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

4. In an Athens hotel: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.

5. In a Yugoslav hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

6. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

7. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel, across from a Russian monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

8. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension (???).

9. In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today: no ice cream.

10. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

11. Alongside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

12. Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well talking. Here speeching American.

13. At a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop you trousers here for best results.

14. At a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

15. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

16. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

17. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

18. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

19. At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

20. At an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here (mmm...).

21. At a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

22. A Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

23. From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor.

24. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

25. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

26. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcom to it.

27. In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

28. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

29. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finder; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

How many times make love to your wife?

2008-09-03T22:31:00.000+07:00

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an
overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their
home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged,
"And this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much
she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian
responded, "And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me
she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how
many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to
you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

USAF Squawks

2008-09-03T22:12:00.001+07:00

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level

(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
(IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for

(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious!

(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

Flying turtle

2008-09-03T22:10:00.000+07:00

A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a
deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high
branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four
flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom
in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the
bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.

About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked
along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch.
Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of
the tree, sighed and started climbing.

Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little
birds. Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, "Don't you think it's
time we told him he was adopted?"

Jesus last words

2008-09-03T22:07:00.000+07:00

What was Jesus' last words at the last supper?

"Ok, all you guys who want to be in the picture, get on THIS side of the table"

Applicant's lingo

2008-09-01T20:57:00.000+07:00

I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:
I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION &
ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:"
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:
I've used Microsoft Office.

I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:"
I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:
I blame others for my mistakes.

I'M PERSONABLE:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:
As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.

I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:
I carry a Day-Timer.

MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:
You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

I AM ADAPTABLE:
I've changed jobs a lot.

I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:
The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.

I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:
I'm a college drop-out.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:
Wait! Don't throw me away!

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:
Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

Corporate's lingo

2008-09-01T20:55:00.000+07:00

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:
You'll be making under $7 an hour.

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:
You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.

PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:
Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.

COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.

NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:
Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.

IMMEDIATE OPENING:
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We have a lot of turnover.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

FLEXIBLE HOURS:
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL
We have no quality control.

COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.

CAREER-MINDED:
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON:
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine, you're fired.

God is watching

2008-09-01T20:53:00.000+07:00

The teacher put two baskets of treats on her desk, a basket of apples and a basket of cookies.

She told the students to each take only one treat.
Next to the basket of apples was a sign:
Take only one, God is watching.

As one little boy reached over to take a cookie, the boy next to him said, "Take all you want, God's watching the apples"!

EuroEnglish

2008-09-01T20:51:00.000+07:00

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German,which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away.

By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaiining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reali sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!

Beer's quotes

2008-09-01T20:39:00.003+07:00

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
--William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
--Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
--Dean Martin

Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
--Anonymous

No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink.
--G.K. Chesterton

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
--Ambrose Bierce

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
--Anonymous

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.
-- Ross Levy

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
--W.C. Fields

Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.
--Anonymous

If God had intended us to drinkbeer, He would have given us stomachs.
--David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
--Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
--Michelle Mastrolacasa

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
--Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...
--Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it
helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol
has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer.
--Plato

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart

Why is Australian beer served cold?
So you can tell it's difference from urine.
--David Moulton

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
--Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
--Homer Simpson

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

I drink to make other people interesting.
--George Jean Nathan

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson

Preacher's ass

2008-09-01T20:35:00.002+07:00

A preacher who wanted to raise money for his church was told there was a fortune in horse racing, so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in a race. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured, however, that since he had it he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, in the first race his mule came in second. The next day the racing sheets carried this headline:

PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased that he entered the mule in another race. This time it won and the paper said:

PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The new headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher gave it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headline the next day said:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who would take it off her hands for $10.00. The paper said:

NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS

...They buried the bishop the next day.

Elephants Q&A (2)

2008-09-01T20:31:00.002+07:00

Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
A: Optimistic!

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
A: Free Parking.

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
A: Sole use of the elevator.

Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
A: You walk him and pitch to the Zebra!

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
A: It's bike is outside.

Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
A: There is a dent in the cross-bar.

Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.

Q. Why do elephants wear tiny green hats? A. To sneak across a pool table without being seen.

Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Bloody great holes all over Australia.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
A: Elephino.

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they don't sink in the sand.

Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.

Job interview

2008-08-28T20:55:00.001+07:00

There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.

Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.

He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.

The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The man got really upset and threw the guy out.

The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"

The guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.

Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"

The guy replied "Yeah, I bet you are wearing contact lenses."

Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?"

The guy burst out laughing and said you can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!

Proof to buy something

2008-08-28T20:41:00.001+07:00

A little old lady went to the grocery store & put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl, "Nothing but the best for my little kitten on Christmas."

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, & the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat & brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, the old lady went to the store & bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies - one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food.

Frustrated, she went home, came back & brought in her dog. She was then given the dog cookies.

The next day, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No - you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her.

So, the cashier put her finger into the box & pulled it out & told the little old lady, "That smells like crap." The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy 3 rolls of toilet paper?"

His last words

2008-08-28T20:14:00.001+07:00

Lying in the hospital bed, the dying man began to flail about and make motions as if he would like to speak. The priest, keeping watch at the side of his bed leaned quietly over and asked, "Do you have something you would like to say?"

The man nodded to the affirmative, and the preist handed him a pad And pen. "I know you can't speak, but use this to write a note and I will give it to your wife. She's waiting just outside."

Gathering his last bit of strength, the man took them and scrawled his message upon the pad which he stuffed into the priest's hands. Then, moments later, the man died.

After administering the last rites, the priest left to break the sad news to the wife. After consoling her a bit, the priest handed her the note.

"Here were his last words. Just before passing on, he wrote this message to you." The wife tearfully opened the note which read:

"GET OFF MY FUCKING OXYGEN HOSE!!"

New inventions

2008-08-28T19:55:00.000+07:00

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.
He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."

"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"
"A fottle, replies the inventor."
"A fottle? That's a stupid! Can't you think of something else?"

"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.

"A farton", replies the inventor.
"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"

"In that case," says the inventor...
"You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

Martian swingers

2008-08-27T20:09:00.001+07:00

A couple from earth has finally saved up enough money to take a vacation on mars (they could do that then). So they go to mars and meet a martian couple and start talking about they way they do things and come to the subject of sex. They decide to switch partners for the night to see what happens.

The human woman and the man martian go into a room and the martian strips but his thing is the size of a pencil (whoa), and the woman says, "um, how is this going to work?"

The martian man replies "Oh, not big enough? Okay then."

All of a sudden he starts slapping his forehead and his thing grows longer. "Um, that's good but isn't it still a little thin?

"No problem" the martian man replies.

Then he starts pulling his ears and it grows wider.

The woman is amazed by this and they have wonderful sex.

The next day they meet and the human man asks his wife how it was and she said "Oh my, it was wonderful! How was your night?"

The man replied, "It was awful!!

The martian woman kept slapping my forehead and puling my ears!"

It's dark in here, isn't it?

2008-08-27T20:06:00.001+07:00

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day, the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Yes it is." the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks." the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball" the little extortionist continues.

"Okay. How much?" the man replies, after considering the position he is in. "Twenty-five dollars." the little boy replies.

"Twenty-five dollars!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again, when she hears a car in the driveway and again places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes it is." replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"Okay. How much this time!" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

"Fifty dollars." the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your

ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them" replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"Seventy-five dollars." the little boy says.

"Seventy-five dollars! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness." the father explains, as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

The priest says..."Don't you start that crap in here now!"

A mass for the dog

2008-08-27T20:04:00.000+07:00

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest:

"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog`s death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there`s a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they`ll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said, "I`ll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick: "$500? - Why didn`t you tell me the dog was Catholic?!"

Were you gambling?

2008-08-27T20:03:00.000+07:00

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?"

Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then said, "No, officer; I was not gambling."

The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"

Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer; I was not gambling."

Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?"

Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"

Elephants Q&A

2008-08-27T19:59:00.001+07:00

Q: What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
A: Sir!

Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
A: Anything you want, it can't hear you.

Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
A: To try to forget.

Q: What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey,
yellow, grey, yellow?
A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!

Q: Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmellow?
A: So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.

Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't, you get down from a duck.

Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
A: Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.

Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?
A: An inside out elephant.

Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red and white on the outside?
A: Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup.

Q: What is grey and not there.
A: No elephants.

You have all the equipment

2008-08-27T19:55:00.001+07:00

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband
liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One
morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided
to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out.

She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat,
and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls
up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, "Is this guy
blind or what?"

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and
write you up."

"If you do that, I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.

"I didn't even touch you," growls the sheriff.

"Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ..."

Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!

Y2K compliance

2008-08-27T19:52:00.001+07:00

Blonde secretary's memo to her boss:

TO: My Boss

FROM: Blondie

SUBJECT: Changing Calendars For Y2K

I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be
honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate,
I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all the company
calendars for you. The calendars have returned from the printer and are
ready to be distributed with the following new months:

Januark

Februark

Mak

Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

Sundak

Mondak

Tuesdak

Wednesdak

Thursdak

Fridak

Saturdak

We are now Y to K compliant.

Your loyal secretary!

Cyanide injected watermelon

2008-08-27T19:49:00.000+07:00

The was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he
was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon
patch at night and eat watermelons. . .

After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought
would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up a sign and posted it
in the field. The next day the kids showed up and they saw his sign:
"Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with
cyanide."

Well the kids were bright and not about to risk another watermelon. They
ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the sign that the
farmer made.

The next day the farmer showed up to look over the field and he noticed
to his delight that no watermelons are missing. He was perplexed,
however, by a sign next to his. He drove his tractor up to the sign
which read: "Now there are two!"

Czech man and soviet agent

2008-08-27T19:42:00.002+07:00

Back in the unhappy days when Czechoslovakia was under Soviet
domination, a valiant freedom fighter was wandering through the
countryside, trying to evade a Soviet agent, who was in hot pursuit,
found himself near an old castle, and went inside for refuge.

Soon he found that the Soviet agent had followed him into the castle so
our hero slipped into the nearest hiding-place, which was a medieval
armor. He remained there, very still, until the Soviet gave up in
disgust, and left him free to continue working for the liberation of his
native land.

Why didn't the Soviet agent think to look inside the armor?

"Very simple,... As a well-trained Marxist, he would never consider any
capitalistic lie as that there was a Czech in the mail."

* Czech = sounds like cheque
Mail = kind of medieval armor

Organ that expand six times

2008-08-27T19:40:00.001+07:00

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior
college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the
organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands
to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think
that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear
of this!" With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same
question.

Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim
light."

"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things
to say to you.

"One, you have not studied your lesson.

"Two, you have a dirty mind.

"And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

A confession from the war time

2008-08-27T19:37:00.000+07:00

This elderly Italian guy goes to his parish priest and asked if he would
hear his confession. The priest assured him that he would, and the two
took up the customary positions on either side of the divider.

"Well, Father," began the old man, "At the beginning of World War II a
beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from
the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing," interjected the priest, "But it's certainly
nothing you need to confess!" "It's gets worse Father," continued the
elderly fellow, "I was weak and I told her that she had to repay me for
hiding her, by providing me with sexual favors."

The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded,
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a very large risk. You
would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you
hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the
good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly."

"Thank you Father," said the old man. "That's a load off my mind! Can I
ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I have to tell her that the war is over?"

Sex before mass

2008-08-27T19:35:00.000+07:00

The young newly married Catholic couple were regular attendants at Mass. As like all newly married couples, they were in a constant state of arousal. Well they didn't want to do anything wrong so they approached their Parish Priest for advice.

Father, the young couple asked ... "is it ok to have sex before Mass ?"

The not so young Priest responded after a few moments of reflection ... "yes my children it's ok to have sex before Mass .. but please don't block the aisles...

The best gawd damn sermon

2008-08-27T19:31:00.001+07:00

After years of his wife's pleading, this good ol boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the Preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.

He said, "Reverend, that was the best gawd damn sermon I ever did hear!"

The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please...I'd appreciate it if you didn't use the Lord's name in vain!"

The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was a good gawddamn sermon!"

The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way at Church"!

The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so gawddamn good, I put $500.00 in the collection plate!"

Which the Reverend said, "NO FUCKING SHIT?!"

The indian names

2008-08-23T21:47:00.002+07:00

The young Indian boy had spent most of his life in a quandry... He felt different yet... couldn't figure why... he was just so depressed. He went to the Chief for answers... He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name...

The chief answered in his typically poetic way..."When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest... and so Running Deer was named. It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth."

Then, the boy said to the Chief... And how did my sister "Thundering Bird" get her name? The chief described again, how at the moment of her birth Thundering Bird's mother had heard a roar of thunder and looking up, saw a bird flying in the sky...

The boy asked again, how his cousin "White Crouching Bear" had been given such a name... And the chief, looking down once more at the boy, explaining the traditions of their tribe.... White Bear's mother had seen a rare white bear crouched over a stream at the moment her baby's birth. Then he asked the boy...

"Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

Wives control

2008-08-23T21:25:00.000+07:00

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, "'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man."

In the army of the lord

2008-08-23T20:48:00.001+07:00

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

Oath of silence

2008-08-23T20:42:00.001+07:00

A young Catholic priest decided to enter a monastery. He joined one particularly strict sect. The head monk told him, at his indoctrination, that they were sworn to TOTAL silence. They could not speak one word at all. However, every ten years, they would be permitted to speak two words.

After 10 years of total silence, the head monk indicated it was now time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, "Bed hard!" And then he resumed his silent study and work.

Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, "Food bad!" And then he resumed his silent study and work.

Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, "I quit!"

The head monk shook his head and said, "I knew this was coming. You've done nothing but complain for the past 30 years!"

An old woman speeding

2008-08-23T20:36:00.000+07:00

An elderly couple were driving across the country.
The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

Excuse me....

2008-08-23T20:21:00.002+07:00

A Journalist has to write a story on the lack of meat in Poland. So
he goes off to Poland and asks the people: "Excuse me, what do you
think of the lack of meat in Poland?"

All the Poles reply: "Meat? What is meat?"

Seeing he cannot get an answer in Poland he goes to the USSR and
asks the Soviets: "Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat
in Poland?"

All the Soviets reply: "Think? What is think?"

Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USSR he goes to the USA and
asks the Americans: "Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of
meat in Poland?"

All the Americans reply: "Lack? What is lack?"

Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USA he decides to go to
Israel, and asks the Israelis: "Excuse me, what do you think of the
lack of meat in Poland?"

To which all the Israelis reply: "Excuse me? What is excuse me?"